Letters to the Editor
mearro
Published Letters: 9 Editor's Choice: 2
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Keeping offering help - just not money
[Read the article: My sister is in perpetual crisis -- should I give her $5,000?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The two major issues with the LW giving her sister $$ is that it may adversely affect their relationship and that the $$ is only a temporary fix at best (at worst - the $$ will be spent on gambling).
Ultimately, the best advice may be to do as Cary suggested - give nothing. However, it's worth trying other options - particularly since there are children involved.
The way to get around the issues is to help the sister's children or to give directed funds. LW did try to do this and was turned down when she offered to take the kids & to loan her sister $$ for job training. She can continue to try to get her sister to accept these offers.
And there may be other assistance that the LW's sister may accept. The LW can offer to pay for school clothes for the kids or special activities (music lessons, sports, etc.). Giving the kids an outside interest may help with the behavioral problems. And for an aunt to give $$ for the benefit of her nephews doesn't impact family dynamics like one sister giving (or loaning) another sister $$.
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Let him know how *YOU* feel
[Read the article: I work with the most annoying man alive]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Don't compare him to a TV character (although I see a lot of both Office bosses in the description). And don't go to HR - other than the accents, nothing he's done is really actionable.
Don't try to change how he behaves with everyone. Instead, focus on changing how he interacts with you. Let him know what bothers you without making it a discussion about his problems. Talk about how you feel about his actions and how they affect you.
Next time he tries to high-five you - tell him you don't like high-fives and you'll pass. Next time you hear him speak with an accented voice - let him know that you find that offensive. Next time he follows you around, tell him you're sorry but you're too busy to chat and when you have time - you'll drop by his desk.
If he ignores your requests - then go to HR or your manager. You then have a legitimate complaint.
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Get Mom to recognize the problem - then get her help
[Read the article: My mom's a hoarder]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The state of the house is a symptom of your mother's illness. Like with other addictions and illnesses - unless the person recognizes there is a problem & wants to get better - nothing will change.
You can rent dumpters, do all the cleaning, remove every item from the house. That's just a temporary fix. The hoarder will just find new things to hoard. And there is a neverending supply of new things.
So, how do you get your mother to recognize that this is a problem? This is what I suggest. In her absence, take many, many pictures of the rooms. Then invite your mother to lunch at a beautiful restaurant - decorated to her taste - and spread out the pictures. I'm not suggesting you humiliate her in public but by showing her how she's living in this way - you may get her to look objectively at her stuff.
If you can get her to recognize her problem and want to change - then you can get her help.
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Get them out & change the locks - NOW
[Read the article: My new roommate arrived ... with mom attached!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]From what the LW wrote - it really sounds like these two strangers are bullying her & taking advantage of the situation. She gave them an inch (showed compassion) and they're in the process of taking a mile.
We (and the LW) don't know whether the temp roomate & mother planned this from the beginning and intentionally deceived the LW & roomates.
We also don't know if the mother will ever leave - whether at the end of week or at any time. One day became a weekend, now a week - this could continue through the summer & beyond.
The LW didn't mention payment but based on their behavior - there's no reason to expect that future payments or reimbursements will be made. Or that they will keep any promises that they make.
The LW should talk to the temp & tell her that the mother must pack & be gone that day. The sublet was for the temp roomate and no one else. If it's necesary for mother to stay with daughter - then they should make other arrangements.
If this doesn't happen - if the mother doesn't move out immediately - then LW should contact landlord about changing locks that day. Get friends and family to come over & give support. Watch everything that gets packed. Make sure nothing is taken.
Alternatively, contact the police. Explain the situation & that you're concerned because you're having problems getting the "mother" to leave & you're worried they may be con artists. That very well may be the situation & the police may be able to recognize a pattern & help you.
Good luck.