Letters to the Editor
MBlack
Published Letters: 28 Editor's Choice: 12
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Don't tell, but do make serious ammends
[Read the article: Have I ruined my karma by sleeping with prostitutes?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Although I'm usually in favor of honesty in all things, in this case don't tell your wife -- IF, however, and only if, you are completely committed to mending your marriage and never cheating on her again. Telling her will hurt her enormously and will not help to repair your marriage. Instead, accept the responsibilty for your actions by learning to live with and deal with your guilt rather than dropping it into your wife's lap, and by using its power to motivate you to repair and rebuild your marriage. How? Through counselling, through working on yourself to become a better man and better husband, and through treating your wife like gold from here on in to make up for the bastard you've been behind her back.
If, however, you think that the possibility exists that you might lapse and cheat on her again, then I'm sorry but you must tell her everything. She will need this information in order to decide *for herself* whether she wants to remain married to a man who engages in this behavior. One of the very worst things you did to her by hiding your past behavior is that you infantalized her; you took her power to make her own choices and decisions away. Since she didn't know her husband was going to prostitutes, she never had the ability to make the choice *for herself* about whether this was the kind of marriage she could accept and tolerate. By withholding vital information about your marriage from her, you stole from her the power to make decisions *for herself* about the kind of marriage she was building with you -- and you had absolutely no right to do that.
So only withhold that information now if you are sure your secret prostitute-visiting life is completely OVER, and that you will not engage in secret behavior that will impact on your wife's life again. Otherwise, if the threat of it occurring again is hangs over her life and marriage, then she has every right to know and to make her own decision about whether you're worth that risk to her.
If you do feel that this is behind you and you are committed to saving your marriage, I further recommend you do some ruthless self examination about your attitudes toward sex, which have led you to believe that buying stranger's bodies is preferable to finding other ways to communicate intimately with your partner when illness makes sexuality complex. Our youth-focused, porn-drenched culture does make it difficult to create a healthy sexuality that allows for sensual expression even when our female partners are ill and/or their bodies are less than perfect. But if you can't learn to respect a partner better than this, then frankly she's better off without you. But it's never too late. You can learn to be a better husband, a better man, and a better human being. It sometimes takes work, in this crazy consumer-sex culture our ours, but it's truely worth it. Not just for her, but for yourself as well.
I highly recommend reading Robert Jensen's "Getting Off," a very eye-opening and thought-provoking book about masculinity and sexuality. It focuses more on porn than on prostitution but will, I think, be helpful nonetheless -- helping to explain why going to prostitutes in this situation not only devalued your wife's sexuality, but also your own.
Good luck.
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The Tiptrees
[Read the article: Looking for kick-ass female heroines?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Readers interested in good feminist fiction should check out the winners, past and present, of the Tiptree Award -- given to works of speculative fiction that explore and expand contemporary ideas about gender.
The Tiptrees were founded in 1991 by the feminist writers Pat Murphy and Karen Joy Fowler (whose own novels are well worth a read), and is now a respected institution in the speculative fiction field. "The aim of the award," they say, "is not to look for work that falls into some narrow definition of political correctness, but rather to seek out work that is thought-provoking, imaginative, and perhaps even infuriating. The Tiptree Award is intended to reward those women and men who are bold enough to contemplate shifts and changes in gender roles, a fundamental aspect of any society."
Here's the Tiptree website address for further info, and a list of the winning books:
http://www.tiptree.org
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Why do editors print these things?
[Read the article: Work sucks? Blame her!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]She's blaming feminisim and not the extreme version of Milton Friedman-style captitalism that's been eroding the quality of American/British life since at least the Thatcher/Reagan years? Yeah right, because feminism has so much power in the business world.... Sheesh.
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P.S.
[Read the article: Work sucks? Blame her!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Post script to the above note:
And what's with this editorial trend lately of printing articles by women attacking other women, no matter how illogical or far-fetched the attack is? At a time when it's extremely hard for women to get anything near equal editorial space in our nations newspapers in order to talk about real subjects (like, say, the war in Iraq or the bankrupting of our society here at home), why do women who are willing to slag off other women on the flimsiest of contexts find it so easy to gain column inches? Are we next going to see a slew of articles by black or hispanic writers questioning the intelligence and morals of people of color and the value of the civil rights movement? Which would be the equivalent.
I would like to gather all the nation's newspapers and producers into a room and say, "For heaven's sake, up. Our country, and planet, have huge problems to tackle, and you're wasting our time throwing spitballs at the girls."
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Correction
[Read the article: Work sucks? Blame her!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Er...that was meant to be "For heaven's sake, grow up..." above.
Clearly I must go drink more coffee and wake up. My apologies for the typo.