Letters to the Editor
imogen_june
Published Letters: 88 Editor's Choice: 10
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Nice Guys Don't Finish Last
[Read the article: After years of being meek, I'm suddenly screaming at people!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Sure, the jerks get their way sometimes, but at what cost? Think about it - it was more important for that guy at the supermarket to cut ahead of people than to behave honorably in a way that would allow him a basic modicum of self-respect. And what about your dad? His triumph was to insult and bully his wife and children. Is that anything someone should be proud of? What a miserable coward. All they gain is scorn and disgrace, not anything of substance.
A couple books that helped me understand other people's anger and aggression: "Make Peace With Anyone," and "Why Is It Always About You" (book about narcissistic personality disorder). Both cast a lot of light, in different ways, about what's going on behind the scenes when someone attacks you. Turns out it's just a sad, frightened little toddler cowering behind that big scary bully.
"Winning" doesn't mean cutting ahead in line and abusing little children. It's behaving in a way that lets you feel good about yourself, while setting the boundaries that are rightfully yours. Trust me, I've tried the angry, aggressive way, and contrary to the illusions I held thanks to my own angry, aggressive father, it didn't do sh*t for me. Speak up for yourself, but make it a game to stay as calm as possible, no matter how much the other person is losing it. Don't resort to insults or personal attacks; just stick to the facts, ma'am. It will get you far, and you'll still respect yourself at the end of the day. Living well is the best revenge.
Though I still love it that you yelled at that guy at the supermarket. What an asshat.
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Ask for a Backrub, and See What Happens
[Read the article: I'm in love with my bandmate]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Hey, it used to work for me in college!
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Privileged Intellectuals Are People Too
[Read the article: "Margot at the Wedding"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]The reviewer had me blissfully convinced this movie wasn't any good until she got to the part slamming "Squid and the Whale," which I loved. Sounds like "Margot" may be right up my alley after all.
In the end, my only takeaway from this review is the Ms. Zacharek has a chip on her shoulder about wealthy New England intellectuals that appears to prevent her from evaluating this movie on its own terms.
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The Executor's Song
[Read the article: I cared for my dad in his final months -- but who gets his car?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If the will doesn't leave anything to your sister, certainly don't start giving things away (like the car) to people outside the family without seeing if she wants them first. Your father was very old and may not have been thinking clearly when he offered the neighbor the car (if he actually did). Before my grandfather died, he offered the same memento to multiple people, trying to win their affection (don't know if anyone actually got it in the end). If it's not in the will then it's up to your discretion.
Don't let this woman bully you. She is not entitled to stay at the house or drive the car. She helped your dad through her own free will -- you don't owe her these things. It reflects very badly on her that she is making these demands.
If you do end up as the executrix of the estate, check out this series of articles - v. v. helpful:
http://www.alanluber.com/wisdom/executorpart1.htm
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Well Said, Cary
[Read the article: How to explain my husband to my kids?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I, too, had the experience of one parent talking to me behind the back of the other parent (usually dad, but mom too, sometimes) and it never felt good.
I also had a pouty, grumpy, mopey father who acted, as other readers have described this husband's behavior, like a big baby. He was allowed to act that way, and I wasn't, and it bugged the crap out of me. Why was a grown man allowed to act so badly, was indulged and coddled even, to prevent his further "moods," while I, a small child, was held to standards that were so much higher?
I don't think the issue is really about talking to the kids about your husband's behavior. I think it's about talking to your husband. The kids are going to either grow up resenting him for getting away with it, or acting just like him. Neither is good.
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There's a Big Difference
[Read the article: Busting out]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]... between someone you care about (or are just into) admiring your breasts in a sexy, respectful way, and some creep leering at your tits.
This happens often enough to us smaller-breasted women; I can only imagine what it's like if your boobs are noticeably large.
Guys who can't figure out why women don't always appreciate their "assets" just have no idea what this feels like.
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some of us take it slow
[Read the article: My married boyfriend's ditching me for Christmas]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]When I was dating, it never would have occurred to me to take a boyfriend "home" for Christmas, either. I guess I was still young enough to assume we'd both want to go spend the holiday with our parents. And even if I was at a point where I wanted to introduce my S.O. to my parents, I probably wouldn't have chosen to do it at Christmas. There were just too many moving parts and other people involved in the whole holiday hoopla.
It sounds to me like you were both coming at the holiday idea with a different set of assumptions. I wouldn't write the guy off over this, though talking it through would probably be a good idea.
The only thing I'd say is that if it was obvious you'd be at loose ends without an invitation from him (no family of your own to visit, friends all going out of town, etc.), that would be a sign of some insensitivity or thoughtlessness on his part. Not that he should have automatically included you, but it would have been good to bring it up.
And btw, take as long as you need to make your separation "official" with a divorce. Sheesh! I thought everybody knew these things can be complicated and take some time.
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Another Road
[Read the article: The baby I turned away]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This piece reminded me of a similar story, with a different outcome, that ran in the New York Times awhile back.
http://www.nytimes.com/2007/05/13/fashion/13love.html?pagewanted=1&_r=1
I hope that little girl in India finds a family like this one.