Letters to the Editor

• Assuming you are indeed at Harvard ...

  [Read the article: Desperately unhappy in the top Ivy League school]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Like KitchenGirl, I, too, attended "the big Catholic school across the river," and particularly concur with what she says about the difficult adjustments of freshman year, and how your first college friends tend to be your friends only because you don't know anyone else yet. There is often an inevitable shedding of these first friends of convenience, and it can be a really depressing time. What jumped out to me in your letter was a sense that these were the only friends you were going to get in college, and now that they've dumped you, you're on your own for the next three years. It's definitely not the case though.

  College is full of mini-eras, each semester with its own flavor thanks to the new classes you take, new people you live with, etc. This year will draw to a close, you will be in a new situation next year, and life will go on.

  Also, yes, it is totally okay to transfer to Stanford (?) next year. Why not? It's also a great school, and you may indeed feel more buoyant in the mild California weather, close to family and friends and surrounded by a culture more familiar to you. My best friends at the Big Catholic School were all California transplants, and they loathed our school -- and Boston, too -- with a passion I have not seen the equal of before nor since. They didn't understand the people, they hated the weather, and they were horribly depressed for most of the year. The minute we graduated they scrambled back to the West Coast, and are all there to this day.

  For whatever reason, I never found Boston all that depressing (I'm from the Midwest - guess we're used to cold gray days there), but I can totally relate to the depression you describe of the early days of college. It seems like it should all have been a piece of cake, but it was a really hard time. I'm not going to lie to you - I found sophomore year tough, too, but that was partly because instead of breaking with my own mismatched freshman year roommate, I roomed with her a second year and we had a shitty time together. Be grateful that you're going your separate ways. I think a lot of it was also that I was still getting to know myself, and maybe that's part of what's going on with you, too.

  So, in conclusion, I will say go back to California if you want to. It would be fine! It really can't hurt, and it might help. I know my Cali roommates seriously considered the same thing. If you decide to stick it out, next year will probably be better. In the meantime, if there is a low-key (non-writing) club you can join - even an aerobics class you can attend - do it, to bring you into contact with new people. Service trips are also a great way to bond with a small group - going off to Appalachia over spring break to build barns or something. (I got an awesome boyfriend out of one of those trips.)

  And if you are indeed in Boston, try to find a few off-campus happy places where you can escape and recharge your batteries. The Diesel Cafe in Davis Square is nice, and the movie theater over there has cheap early shows and puts real butter on its popcorn. The Biscuit bakery up Kirkland St. is a relaxed, light-filled space with tasty scones. Go somewhere with real grownups, to remind yourself that life exists beyond the dorm. And be reassured that this SYA letter writer is living quietly just down the road from you and doing just fine, even though many years back she was right where you are (though at a slightly less elite school, of course!), miserable, confused, and lonely.

  You really do sound pretty down in the dumps, dear LW. I can tell because you radiate hopelessness in a situation that is not actually hopeless. That's what they call depression! I hope you keep checking in with college counseling, because you need and deserve their support right now. From what I've heard, Harvard (if it's Harvard!) can be a cold, competitive place. Bad things can happen there to depressed kids who don't take care of themselves. Cut yourself some slack, and don't feel like you have to be a superstar right off the block. Just getting by and building a foundation in your first year is accomplishment enough. The decisions you make now don't mean as much as all the achievement-oriented BS tries to make you think they do.

  Permalink Monday, April 21, 2008 10:34 PM