Here are the rules:

Women: Let your boyfriend look at limited amounts of porn. If it makes you jealous, avoid it. If you aren't jealous, then look at it with your boyfriend and see how it makes you feel. Maybe it will turn you on, or maybe you'll find it stupid. Chances are, a little of both. Porn is pretty stupid. Hopefully your boyfriend's tastes are healthy and simple and do not involve anybody getting hurt or humiliated (if they do, be concerned). Remember this: If your boyfriend has a porn habit, when you're traveling for 2 weeks he'll have a sexual outlet that does not violate your trust or betray your relationship. He'll be less likely to cheat on you and get a disease or into some other trouble. Perhaps he will appreciate you giving him this small freedom and pay you back by putting in extra effort. If porn is restricted it becomes a forbidden fruit; if it's accepted then it becomes dull. Don't freak out over porn.

Men: Show a little tact. Don't porn out and perv out. Be discreet and limit your porn intake. Don't waste money on porn -- go for the free stuff or the very rare purchases. Don't skeev out in porn stores or peepshows. Don't become Pee Wee Hermanesque. Be private, be classy, and be willing to destroy all your porn at a moment's notice. It is ultimately stupid. Don't inflict porn on your girlfriend. On a regular basis, try to avoid porn for stretches of time and build up your real-world desires. Practice a porn-free existence and find out what it's like before you dive in again. Use extra effort on making your woman happy to pay her back for tolerating your hedonistic hairy-palmed existence. Clear your goddamned browser cache. Try using your own imagination more instead of letting some losers with video cameras and access to naked women fill it in for you. Remember that when you buy porn you are supporting idiots like that "Girls Gone Wild" creep who preys on the insecurity and exhibitionistic weaknesses of often underaged girls. Don't give that prick your money. Be a man not a wanker.

She will do anything for attention. Does anybody even watch her lame show or read her insipid column? I don't. It's boring, it comes off as desperate, and Malkin displays only the most simplistic and fleeting moments of insights and wit. She's lucky to still have a career.

I think this Joan Walsh thing is just one more desperate attempt by Malkin to get her named splashed around and raise her pundit clout.

Our forefathers were at heart subversives. Benjamin Franklin was known for telling people "you've got something on your shirt" and then flicking his pointing finger up into their downward-looking faces. Thomas Jefferson was known for using a dumb-waiter to send his Monticello housemates meals that had rubber cockroaches on them. George Washington was fond of informing telemarketers that he had to check something in the oven and then leaving the phone uncradled until the person hung up in frustration.

So I heartily applaud anyone who uses their vote to make "American Idol" even more of a circus freakshow than it already is.

I have only watched a few early episodes, after which I dubbed the program "The Humiliation Hour" and decided to avoid it with as much conviction as I avoided "Survivor" during those first seasons where people were having "Survivor" parties and otherwise turning a lame show into a culture-ruining hit.

Subversion is what America is all about. Keep up the good work, Sanijaya (or whatever he's called) voters!