Letters to the Editor

• Did anybody see the crazy ad placement? IQ SkinTensive "Smarter Than Botox"?!

  [Read the article: Why me? What did I do to deserve Bell's palsy?]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  Maybe things really do happen for a reason!

  I swear, right next to this long, very sad letter about getting Bell's Palsy and having half of one's face droop uncontrollably, there is an advertisement featuring a woman's face split down the middle, with one side treated by IQ SkinTensive (whatever the hell that muck is) and the other side not treated.

  It can't really be a coincidence, can it?

  Anyway, to answer the Letter Writer's questions:

  "I am the type of person who likes to think things happen for a reason. Twenty-five out of 100,000 people get Bell's palsy. These are incredible odds. Why me?"

  Wrong, not everything happens for a reason. The entire quote "everything happens for a reason" is retarded nonsense. For there to be a reason then every little thing would have to occur according to some grand design. So if you were picking your nose and pulled out a booger, and then the booger fell onto the floor, that would be part of the grand design. Which clearly it isn't. It's a freaking booger on the floor.

  "I saw. Before this I was by no means hugely eye-catching, but I was never unattractive. I was fortunate."

  I dated a woman who had Bell's Palsey. She was cute but there was something unusual about her face. She had the disease for a while. We went to dinner and the stupid waiter kept looking at her like he was afraid of her. Idiot. He ruined the dinner. We ended up leaving him no tip and informing the manager that he had given unfriendly and unprofessional service. In any case, I thought she was very nice and wanted to date her again. But I think the whole dinner experience pretty much killed it. About a year later I saw her out in public, with a new boyfriend. She appeared very happy. Her face still had a slightly unusual Bell's Palsey look to it, but now she had a happy glow about her, and if I hadn't known about her condition I would have thought she was just a cute woman with a non-normal face. The point being: Bell's Palsey will not make you happy or unhappy. You will be the ultimate judge and guide to your happiness. It might take time.

  "There is a 10 percent chance that I won't recover."

  Those are good odds. Don't put too much stock in odds one way or the other. You're just going to stress yourself out, and I believe you wrote that stress is part of what brings on the ailment. So cut it out already! In the words of James Bond, "I never play the odds." Just play.

  "I am a (very) lapsed Catholic, and I worry that everything bad that happens is retribution."

  That's Catholicism's great gift to mankind: Guilt. Shake that nonsense off your system NOW. Remember that Catholicism's other great gift to mankind -- the massive, covered-up rape of young boys -- tells us everything we need to know about whether we should participate in Catholicism's guilt-instilling gift to mankind. Screw that horsecrap.

  "I have spent the past four years wondering what I did to deserve my mum dying on my 25th birthday."

  Man, that's 3 years and 355 days more than that question was worth! You need to stop blaming yourself for things out of your control! I'm no psychologist and even I can figure out that this is one of your major issues!

  "Is the world that arbitrary?"

  Another easy one. The answer is YES. The world is arbitrary, or at least, many things in the world are. Don't believe the claptrap of the book "The Secret" for one moment. Sure, having a good attitude is extremely helpful. But if you're walking down the street and an anvil falls from a skyscraper onto your head then the best attitude in the world won't help.

  "But nothing like this has ever happened to me."

  The majority of us start out young and healthy. We have that young, fun, free-spirited, impervious-to-affliction feeling. Then we get older and we lose that feeling, and we learn to hate the young who come along and act as obnoxious as we did when we were their age. Then time passes and we all rack up a variety of afflictions. You get Bell's Palsey. Somebody else gets Diabetes. Somebody else gets Diverticulitis (whatever that is). Or Osteoporosis. Or Gobbler-Belly-Um-Dum-Dum. Then we all die. Welcome to humanity, sister!

  "My mum was a fall-down drunk, but that was fine because it made me do a lot of searching and find my way."

  Was it really fine? I wouldn't be fine with it. I'd be pissed off.

  "My dad was a philanderer, but it taught me a lot (eventually) about relationships and what I want from them."

  No wonder your mom drank.

  "But where is the silver lining in facial paralysis?!"

  I dunno, it could be kinda cool. Did you see the scene in the movie "A.I." where Haley Joel Osment eats spinach and his face melts? Or in "Minority Report" where Tom Cruise injects that stuff in his chin and his face gets freaky? How about in "Election" where Matthew Broderick gets a bee sting and spends the rest of the movie with half his face swollen? That was great makeup. Now you get to try it out, just in time for Halloween. Paint it up! Have fun with it! It probably won't last!

  "I have a theory that this happened because I have always wanted to write."

  That is the lamest theory ever. It happened because it happened. Period. Not because of your creative soul.

  "Does everything happen for a reason, and if so, do you think this is perhaps the reason for this?"

  NO!!! and NO!!!!!

  Permalink Thursday, October 18, 2007 09:13 PM