Letters to the Editor
Xrandadu Hutman
Published Letters: 3054 Editor's Choice: 53
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I've had a lot of roommates with pets
[Read the article: My roommate bounces my cats the wrong way]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]...and they were all somewhat particular about how their pet should be treated by others, whether they were around or not.
People regard pets as parts of their families. They don't want other people treating their pets carelessly or offhandedly. This is normal.
I think the LW's real problem is not being able to assert himself/herself very well without becoming upset. People who don't have practice in setting limits and sticking up for themselves tend to internalize conflict instead of communicating. Then things build up, and when they finally do communicate, they go a little overboard.
The key is to practice communicating your concerns. This pet issue may be no big deal in the grand scheme of things, but it is very important indeed that you learn to handle such conflicts, because you can be sure there will be more of them. You want to be able to stand up for yourself with clarity and confidence, without becoming either a bully or a whiner.
On another topic, I am a cat lover but I am allergic to cats, and I think I have some expertise on the subject of cat-petting. I would never "bounce" a cat, even if they put up with it. I just don't see any point to it -- and I think treating a cat like some people treat human babies is goofy. Cats should be treated like cats, not babies. They don't play patty-cake. (By the way, Letter-Writer, is there any chance your roommate is semi-retarded?)
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There's a lot of weirdness to this letter
[Read the article: How can I help my friend get over losing his girlfriend?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Weird stuff here:
"I have a friend who is 41 years old and has had this girlfriend for about four years now. She is 23."
Okay, that's a bad start. Letter Writer, can you explain to us all why a 41-year-old man is getting serious with a 23-year-old? Why is he so deluded? 23-year-old woman are guaranteed to wanter, stray, cheat, and otherwise overcomplicate a guy's life.
"She has recently moved out of his house, claiming she wanted "her space," since she has never lived on her own before."
The LW is revealing her bias. (I say "her" bias because Cary, who must know LW's email name, treats the LW as a female, alluding to blow jobs.) LW's first hint is the use of the word "claiming," which is loaded with doubt. Then LW puts "her space" in quotes, nevermind that there's no way that could be a quote since it's in the third person. LW might have a bit too much invested in this whole scenario.
"(She lived with her parents before she moved in with him.)"
Another sign that the dejected man has issues. What on earth is a 40-something man doing picking up on a girl who can't even support herself? What would Nabokov say? The problems here run far deeper than somebody sulking after being dumped.
"However, he is heartbroken and wants her back and seems to think there is a chance of that."
Even if there were a chance of winning her back (probably around the time she runs out of money), the LW needs to convince this man that he's lucky he got out when he did. He might have gotten her pregnant again, or gotten legally entangled via marriage, or gotten a disease, or gotten ripped off. LW, tell your friend that he's lucky to be free. Being involved with a 23-year-old loser chick when you're in your 40s is something that has to end.....so be glad it did, dude.
"Also, she has a 7-year-old child."
LW, why aren't you telling your pal how lucky he is? 7-year-olds are obnoxious brats. Especially 7-year-olds who are raised by teen mothers with absent teenage-jerk fathers. Put aside your White Knight Syndrome. Break free.
"She said to my friend that one of the reasons she is leaving is she didn't think that he loved her child. Is that a bullshit accusation or what? He is a nice man and he did indeed love the child."
LW further reveals bias. How does LW know it's a bullshit accusation? How does LW know that he "indeed" "loved" the child. What, can LW see into the man's heart? (Or is LW the man in disguise?) I'll wager the man's version of "loving" the child was immature and half-assed. Sure, he set up a room for the kid. Big whoop. That could just as easily have been his bait to convince his 23-year-old plaything to stick around longer. I seriously doubt he "loved" the kid, who, after all, was the product of his young lover's mindless teen years, probably fathered by some pimply-faced burger-flipper.
"I am having a hard time saying the right things to make him feel better."
Why are you trying to say the "right" things? That sounds bizarrely obsequious. The guy made his bed, let him lie in it. Again, he obviously has deeper issues than just a bad break-up. Why did he get involved with miss screw-up to begin with? What led him to that? What prevented him from meeting somebody on his level? Does he need to feel power over somebody in order to feel wanted? What's wrong with the guy?
I would say don't worry about making him feel better. Slowly taper off his conversations about the subject. Next time you see him, give him 30 minutes to discuss it, and that's it. After that, give him 25 minutes. Then 20, 15, 10, 5. By then tell him you can't keep talking about it, that he needs to find a creative outlet.
The best cure for somebody's misery, from an outsider's perspective, is to take that person out to go DO something -- something different, interesting, involving, healthy, etc. Go river-rafting. Hike the Pacific Crest Trail. Make a replica of the space station Mir out of balsa-wood. Anything.
And tell him never to expect a 23-year-old to stick around for his shriveled middle-aged-man's penis ever again.