It's really rather unbelievable. You say you were involved with this man for 18 months. Yet you only met him in person one time (when things were apparently winding down). What the hell? How is this possible? What kind of relationship can you have via typing? You must both have been quite the wordsmiths.

He sounds like a man with some real issues. They had nothing to do with you. Though it takes imagination and creativity to carry on a relationship via text only, and to keep up an elaborate set of secrets, to me it seems a terrible misapplication of one's imagination. It sounds like this was a theme with the man -- misapplying his energies to pointless pursuits instead of focusing them on things that could actually make him happy. What you mentioned about his pedophilic fantasies is a prime example. Both his relationship with you, and his other "explorations," all served to push him farther and farther away from the real people in his life, such as his wife.

It's nice that you got something out of the relationship -- the ability to have some confidence as a person worthy of attraction (or whatever it is you wrote). That's great. Take that and walk away happier for having something useful come out of the relationship. Perhaps this man's death is the negative example to your positive one. Perhaps he died for the same reason that you are going to live. He couldn't apply his psyche to his real world, while you learned to do exactly that. Good.

By contacting the wife, you would just be slipping back into the fake, fantasy world of the past. This man was never "real" to you in any important outside-world sense, and so you should not impose yourself on the people for whom he was real.

It is an unsettling and mysterious thing when the people we have known die. The older you get, the more deaths-of-intimates you will rack up. You have to learn to celebrate them while they're alive instead of finding extra-special ways to mourn or commemorate them after they're gone. By then it's too late and a wasted effort. Make the most of the people who are on the planet now, with hot blood pumping through their veins. That is the best place to expend your emotional energy because you can actually get something back. The dead are cold mirrors that will only reflect back an image of your past with them.

One last thing: I believe that everybody who conducts relationships online, or with people who are married or otherwise unavailable, does not really want to be in a relationship. Getting involved with a married man, or an online phantom, is the equivalent of telling yourself "I want to stay safely uninolved. I do not want real love, and all the messy work, and potential life change, it implies." If you wish to never evolve personally, by all means overindulge in fantasy, take half-assed "online romance" as seriously as if it were an actual relationship, and become a married person's secret plaything till your heart's content.

Joan Walsh, I think you're groovy. I like how you used the Paris Hilton story for a higher purpose.

That said, I long to read your future column explicating the parallels between Bush and Hilton when they actually include such items as Bush being driven away in the back of a police car, crying for his mommy.

It's funny, I never cared about Paris Hilton at all. But to see her upset -- to see that she's human underneath the sunglasses and contrived public appearances -- is almost refreshing.

But I long to find out that George Bush is human. Do you think George Bush ever sheds a single tear? Do you think George Bush ever cries out for all the lives he has directly caused to become extinguished?

George Bush, our mass murderer president, is not much like Paris Hilton. She violated a court order and ended up sad and humilated. Bush destroyed an entire court system and ended up even more smug than before.

George Bush has been caught with his pants down hundreds of times, and nobody notices. Paris Hilton goes out one night without underwear and it's an international sensation.

George Bush fakes evidence to start a war, and walks away scot free. Paris Hilton fakes an orgasm to start a career, and walks away in designer shoes.

George Bush is immoral. Paris Hilton is amoral.

George Bush has destroyed the Constitutional system while immune from consequences. Paris Hilton has destroyed her constitution and as a consequence, her immune system.

George Bush makes mothers cry. Paris Hilton cries for her mother.

Paris Hilton fucks young men. George Bush fucks up the lives of young men.

I could go on and on...

Hi Cary, I was a real loser in high school. (I blame my parents.) Then I had a baby and got my act together. I went to college, graduated and got a super-good job. I married an awesome dude, had another baby, and everything in my life kicks ass. I am rolling in dough and happy as can be!

One problem: I owe some money. The debt is, like, totally freaking me out!

What do I do, Cary? Please help.

Your pookie-kins,

Nutty Advice Seeker Gal