Letters to the Editor
Suzy Shedd
Published Letters: 21 Editor's Choice: 4
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Ignorance Is Not A Great Foundation For Insight
[Read the article: Somebody sent child protective services to my house!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Like many other commenters here, I wish that Cary had consulted someone knowledgeable about child protection before formulating an answer. I do wonder why he didn't, as he often does a little research before responding. I have been a mandated reporter in 2 different professions, and I have been a therapist to children in state custody who had suffered abuses I still can hardly bear to talk about. The parents were often themselves pretty pathetic people who had had horrible things happen to them, and it was not all that uncommon to see the agencies involved in THEIR assistance indignant that they were being "subjected" to child safety investigations.
Of course there are "bad" child protective workers -- both too zealous and rude to parents as well as too lackadaisical and careless of children. But the majority of people doing this work struggle to be careful and fair and use the system's safeguards properly. It's important to distinguish between the normal functioning of a system that deals as best it can with horrors, and a system that CREATES horrors by ignoring its own policies.
In this instance, the LW does not seem to be suggesting that the worker was rude, offensive, or mean. The LW found the experience horrifying and traumatic -- who wouldn't? And the trauma continues because of her uncertainty about who was malicious enough to do this to her and the unknown: can this/will this happen again? How does she deal with this? These are really important questions, which Cary did not answer. The root of the LW's trauma is not really CPS -- it is knowing that someone KNOWN, someone part of a social and church circle -- would do something so vicious anonymously. (Actually, CARY seems far more traumatized by CPS than the LW.)
Cary's advice started out well enough: seek out an interview with the supervisor in charge of the investigation.But play fair, OK? Explain that the investigation seems to have been handled calmly and that the investigating case worker showed a nice balance of concern for child welfare and the shock of a parent in this situation. However, you (the parent) are still feeling shaky about this. You've never had someone make anonymous, malicious accusations against you before. Your fear is compounded by the unknown. Can the supervisor explain how this all works? How will you know when the investigation is completed? When can you expect written notice that this is over with? IF the same person were to make another complaint (and you have no idea if s/he might since you have no idea who s/he is), how would that be handled? Does the agency need other information from you in order to complete the procedure?
You could take someone with you to this meeting, but I would recommend that it be someone else with an interest in your child's welfare. Would her teacher go with you? (It is possible that the supervisor would come to the school for the meeting if school personnel were involved.) Her guidance counselor? The school nurse? A classroom aide? Someone from the pediatrician's office? Involving people legally required to report abuse helps reinforce your concern for your child. This also helps you have a good working relationship with people who will be involved if there are further anonymous complaints.
Then I'd recommend that the LW work with her minister and other church supports on dealing with her totally normal fear and trauma. Her church is clearly a great support to her -- how horrible to feel that it was most probably someone FROM her church who did this. This is the root of her concerns, and unfortunately, Cary really ignored it completely in dealing with what were obviously HIS concerns.
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He's NOT a Writer...
[Read the article: My dad is a writer -- a very, very bad writer!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]he is, as Cary said, all about control and manipulation. I'm a bit astonished by the people who are saying, " some day you'll miss his eccentricities; humor him, he's old." The man is not "eccentric," he is deeply dysfunctional and has used his various attempts at artistic fame to make his family miserable for years. And the people who go on about bad writers eventually producing something great seem to have missed the information that writing is not the first art form he has tortured like this. (The tragedy of Alzheimer's, though more common to older people, is not part of the normal aging process, and does not seem to be part of the LW's situation.)
No, Cary has this right: the LW (and, one hopes, his siblings) have to stop believing they owe the man participation in an abusive and ridiculously egocentric ritual. katewest had a superb approach -- the father will not like it and will respond negatively, but it is a kind way to say "no," over and over again.
There are many things age explains and some that it excuses, but it is dreadfully condescending to suggest that old people have somehow earned a codger card that allows them to get out of jail free -- especially for continuing bad behavior that was firmly established long before old age arrived.