Cary has talked before about the "inner life of symbols" and here it came up again. That's a great expression and something a person could spend a long time thinking about.

Another thing stuck with me in this response. Cary talked about carrying "your stuff" around with you to the store after you stop drinking or taking drugs. He's right, that stuff is heavy, and it can take a long time to go away.

The LW's mom is in an interesting generation. In previous generations, women didn't tend to be wiped out financially in old age (e.g., by divorce). So they didn't necessarily need to maintain total independence of their spouse and could focus on being "mom," etc.

These days, marriage (often) means almost nothing because divorce is so easy. As a young woman, I doubt I will ever be in the LW's mom's position because I am very cognizant of the fact that my boyfriend or husband could leave at any time, and many do. It's a burden and an annoyance, but it's better than being surprised by all this. One can at least work hard and try to be a good partner and, most of all, prepare financially and mentally for that case as much as possible. To try to stay viable. Even attractive to a new partner if necessary.

However LW's mom is in an in-between generation... they can be wiped out, but haven't prepared for it. For example, my mom is 55 and my dad has recently divorced her for a younger woman. Same story with the parents of one of my best friends. It happens. (To men too, but in my experience, less often.) There are lots of older, single women out there who are so-called "victims" of divorce. My mom is VERY lucky because she lives in the USA has a million dollars in assets and a sweet alimony as a result of the divorce. If I were her (a member of this new generation) I would do a lot of fun things with that money, because I'm used to spending my own money. It's a windfall. My mom, though, is shell shocked and sad even after a few years.

I think that the LW has pretty much no chance of changing Dad's intentions or behavior. None. Zero. She cannot change his plans or behavior. Not one bit. Forget it. He is an adult and I doubt she would have that much influence. I can't think of any situation in which I or someone I know has wanted something as intense as an affair, or a change in their marriage, and had their mind changed by a conversation with someone peripheral.

Therefore, as Cary said, the LW can focus on practical things she'd like to acheive. They may take a while. One practical thing is to make sure the mom has money in the case of a divorce. This can be the result of many fact-based conversations with mom over a long time. Or get them a meeting with a financial advisor as a holiday present. (You can even tell the financial advisor that you'd like them to be prepared in the case of divorce - without giving him/her any facts.) Get Mom thinking about what she'd do if Dad were gone for another reason. Talk to Dad about making sure Mom has enough money "no matter what." It seems like a small and acheivable goal to be undertaken politely and graciously, and from a place of love, over a long time. It might not work, but at least the LW can sleep easy that she tried.

Step two would be to be prepared to help mom if/when a divorce does happen. Can't control whether it happens, but you can be there for her if/when it does. For a loved one, the thing to do is to share the burdens of unpleasant things that happen (emotional, financial, whatever), within your means of course.

As for these anonymous letters ideas - I think (and many people think) that as a general rule, almost anything done anonymously should not be done. That's an ethical rule, exceptions being made only in the gravest of circumstances (e.g. Nazi Germany - a cheating dad doesn't make the cut). If you can't do things in the light of day, don't do them. (Unless the standard is anonymity, like in an anonymous forum - this one!). This is because things you want to do anonymously tend to be damaging, and making yourself do them non-anonymously stops people from doing damage except in the most serious circumstances.

As for the Mom never forgiving the LW - the LW has the right to her own privacy and does not need to tell Mom she "knew." If Mom finds out on her own, LW can explain her ethics and her reasoning. The chance that someone will disagree and "be mad at you" is not a reason to not do something, if the decision is in line with your own values.

The LW should look deep inside and make a decision in accordance with her own values - not the emotions of the moment.