>It amazes me, particularly within these pages, how much everyone loves telling strangers to divorce their spouses.<

Y'know, one doesn't have to see a house starting to burn down to realize that informing the occupants to leave _might_ just be a good thing. There are some behaviors that cross the line and some betrayals of trust that can't be healed, "loved" away, compromised on, or negotiated with. Making out with your sister-in-law and serial infidelity seems to be a least a couple of those lines, no?

>This person writes one letter and you want them to make a life-changing decision that will separate them from their husband/wife for the rest of their lives.<

Um...did you read this letter? Do you think husband is committed to this marriage? Doesn't it take two people to make a marriage? Do you think the LW's life will be better if she stays in a non-marriage where she'll not only be living a lie, but living with a man who can _not_ be trusted? Isn't it cruel to tell someone to stay married when she has no marriage?

>You get one moment of smug satisfaction, of believinng you're the better person, and they get legal documents and a broken family. Doesn't seem exactly righteous to me.<

Do you think this family is better off like this, with a dangerously irresponsible husband and a wife who doesn't know where to draw boundaries? Do you think the kids deserve this? What you and the other "stay married no matter what" proponents on here are proposing is that people stay married to an illusion, not a real marital relationship. That is far more irresponsible than people advising divorce when it's plain the couple has difficulties that can't be worked out.

I'm betting good money the LW isn't going to take Cary's advice. She's been denying her husband's sorry behavior for years and breaking her back bending over backwards to accomodate a love that simply isn't there (if it ever was.) She's been content with crumbs (Gee, he gives her a back rub to make up for truly heinous stuff. Whatta guy. :)) for so long she probably believes that's all she deserves. I would feel sorry for her, but women this pathetic, blind, and needy deserve what they get in my book. Has she _ever_ had a life besides being in love with this guy and propping him up? Has she ever had anything else she wanted to accomplish besides being wifey-moo? Doesn't sound like it.

>I must say I have never seen so many truly mean-spirited and flippant letters in response to anyone on these pages before.<

?!? I can recall a couple of instances on here that generated much "worse-toned" letters than these.

> I guess this tells you a lot about the world "out there" -- people are NOT nice, and they do NOT like an underdog. <

Oh, please. This is hardly a case of a husband cheating totally out of the blue. The LW stayed with this guy even after he messed around with one of her close friends. He's proved once again he has no boundaries by messing around with her _sister_, for crying out loud. (Come on--for the guy to fish so close to home means he has very little respect for his wife's basic intelligence, to say the least.) When the LW finally realizes this guy isn't trustworthy, she still wonders if she's being "too hard on him" and she thinks she still loves him. In short, she's not a true underdog here--she knows what he is and she is enabling him by turning a blind eye. She's causing at least half her problems by staying in denial and thinking that "love" means she should put up with anything. And if someone doesn't point that out to her, she's going to keep on doing the exact same thing.

Well, should we just ignore the fact that the LW is passively participating in her family life being a shambles? (God knows, _she's_ not seeing that as the case.) At what point will she ever face reality if her husband's repeatedly disrespectful behavior hasn't brought that home to her yet? She's not acting like she has much sense, much less self-esteem--and when you are dealing with someone with this level of denial, a hard dose of reality is often the only way to get them to snap out of it.

...but it bears repeating. For the husband to go after women close to the LW is an expression of hostility/contempt specifically aimed at her, not just random horniness. Most folks who cheat have the good sense to do so away from their immediate married-surroundings. For the husband to be this seemingly dumb _twice_ means he wants wife to know--and that's the kind of meanness that is not going to stop. If LW must be married, better she marry someone who doesn't despise her, has no regard for her feelings, and hates married life.