> If the friends and family want to respond to the occasion by providing gifts, and if their gifts take into account the meaning of the occasion, that's a by-product of the wedding, not its purpose.<

Boy, is that disingenuous and dishonest. The fact of the matter is that newly-marrieds _do_ benefit hugely from wedding gifts. How many people go to a wedding and don't give up presents? How many couples would be delighted if they got nothing but best wishes? How many couples would turn down gifts that enable them to set up a household? I'm not seeing any who turn down presents so they can buy everything they need to live together on their own.

>Your friends have invited you to share in their happy occasions and traditionally people give gifts at such occasions. There shouldn't be any sort of bookkeeping equality going on, where you've spent $X on expenses and presents and so your friends should feel obligated to somehow give you money on your next birthday or job advancement to equal out the monetary score. If you're this resentful about it, you should either be declining invitations or not giving presents.<

Sorry, she's right on the money on this. Singles wind up subsidizing couples who in the long run will most likely make more money (and getting nice goverment tax breaks.) You make her sound like she's being petty and childish, when its actually couples (and the whole wedding set-up) that is discriminatory and "we deserve presents 'cause we're special enough to get married."

...she specifically stated her parents had set aside money for her wedding. Why is she being "childish" if she asks for it? Because she's single and, of course, single people's lives and goals aren't _nearly_ as important as those of married people? And single people should of course earn everything on their own and not stand up for what someone has promised them--God forbid such unrooted folks should just get handed everything like those mature marriededs do. :P People here act as if the LW is going to blow that cash on Vegas, when she's buying a house and setting up for her future--_just_ like her married sisters. Since her parents were fair enough to set aside money for her future, she has every right to at least ask about it.

>I think that your parents AND BOTH OF YOUR SISTERS need to bless this deal. If all parties agree that it's fair that you get "your wedding money" now, then I think it's fair.<

Er...why? Was the LW asked _her_ opinion about the money when her sisters got married? So why is she subject to their judgement? If the sisters had wanted that option then, they should have asked for it.

It speaks volumes that the single LW is expected to jump through a thousand-and-one hoops, have her goals questioned, and called "childish" just because she's asking a logical question about finances that she knows have been set aside for her. Would anyone have said the sisters need everyone's approval to get the money for their weddings? Would anyone have pooh-pooed their wedding needs because, given the divorce rate odds, there's a good chance the marriage wouldn't last? Would anyone have said the sisters were feeling unjustfiably entitled to that wedding money? Nope, it's only single people who get this kind of shit.

>I pay more in taxes married than I ever did when I was single.<

You are benefitting from two salaries, just as you will most likely benefit from two pensions, social security, possible investments, and (hopefully not in the bad way) life/health insurance on your spouse.

>And I'm not sure whoever came up with the idea that two can live as cheaply as one, but I've not found it to be so.<

You still have a financial reserve to draw from--in addition to someone earning a living if one partner gets sick. That (and the above examples) more than compensate for your tax burden, no?

>My husband and I didn't need gifts to set up our household as we had been living (renting) together for 5 years. The only thing we asked of our guests was to show up. Sure, some did give gifts that were graciously appreciated, but many did not - that wasn't the point of the event.<

But would you have turned those gifts down in the spirit of "That's okay--it's enough you have come to celebrate our wedding?"

:) What irritated me was the attitude of those who acted as if the LW not only had no right to ask, but was acting like a baby if she did. Obviously, some kind of promise or fund deal was made to her (though the LW didn't give specifics). And, again, the LW is making a sensible investment here, not tossing the cash away on the next spring collection or something.

I agree that the LW should ascertain her mother's financial condition and how she feels about giving the money.