"Whoever said the author was dead" was Roland Barthes, in a 1967 essay. It's sloppy journalism to pretend this is some anonymous piece of folk wisdom, when anyone can easily find out where the concept came from. (In fact, if Traister is really interested in authors' relationships to their texts, she might want to read Barthes' article.)

This was the only line in the article that caused me to become confused. What's comfortable about a jogging bra?

I'm glad you discussed Tracie Egan! I'm a huge fan of her writing because she's so harsh on the myths that women don't really enjoy sex for its own sake, or that women should be ashamed of their "sluttiness." There's really a need for women to write about sex in a frank and insightful way, especially since these old ideas still have so much currency. She's also much funnier than any SATC episode. Commenters who refer contemptuously to "these bloggers" in the aggregate are missing the point -- not all female sex writers are the same!

At least up to a point. It doesn't sound like this pattern is leading the LW to something she's meant to do/be, if she is consistently getting jerked around or finding herself powerless in these relationships. As a previous commenter pointed out, wanting love, sex and companionship with another person is simply a deep-seated want for many of us.

One suggestion: The LW is doing the "right," psychologically healthy thing but it's not working. Maybe she should try doing the "wrong" thing for a while & see if it works any better? Like, if she usually meets people through work or friends, she could try getting drunk at a bar & having a one-night stand. Or if she's usually very frank & open about her feelings, she could try playing hard to get a little bit the next time she meets someone interesting. At the very least, this could change her perception that she's stuck in a rather futile pattern. No guarantee that it would work, but a lot of great relationships start in very non-therapist-approved ways.

LOL @ responders castigating the LW for being "shallow." Dating is a process of meeting attractive people (attractive to you, that is), THEN finding out whether they're nice/smart/fun as well. If you're starting out with people you don't even find attractive to begin with, of course that's a problem.

In addition to previous commenter's helpful advice, it might help you to realize that rejection doesn't just happen to those who act awkward. You can bring your "a" game and be charming and witty all night, & still not get a call back. This isn't some retribution you are suffering because you lack dating skills. It might also help if you could manage to go on a few dates with hot guys that go smoothly, since your perception that you've always failed is making you more nervous. Like maybe if you went out on a movie date, or something else where you don't need to talk a lot.

Secondly, have you tried alcohol? I know this is obvious, but it hasn't been mentioned yet. Thousands of socially awkward people are hooking up right now by getting drunk. Dating ain't the olympics; there's no rule against using a substance as a crutch. Another good strategy is to go out drinking with a group of friends. Talking to a stranger, one-on-one & completely sober, is the hardest thing out there. Meeting new people with friends around can take some of the pressure off.

That was a hell of a lot of whining about these political costumes, considering it's not actually a bad idea to go as something that's a shared cultural point of reference. WHY DO YOU HATE FUN? Trig is definitely the funniest one, though.

It's not that "strange" for a younger woman to prefer older men. There's a popular stereotype that these relationships are about gold-digging, or something, but that's just what it is -- a stereotype. Many ladies will tell you that older men are more competent, better in bed, more likely to have their lives figured out, and (obviously) more mature. People aren't that surprised when a younger gay man prefers to be with older dudes; so why should everyone expect that all women want the same thing?

Furthermore, it could be that the guy you're seeing is just hotter than the college-sweetheart guy, & that's why you prefer to be with him.

One more thought: Lots of women marry older guys, so being with this guy isn't necessarily a sign that you don't want marriage and kids (although both things could be independantly true). If you talked to some women who have chosen older guys, it might help you see that this situation is pretty normal, & isn't necessarily done for "shock value."

I'm not actually all that "anonymous"; it's pretty easy to find out who I am by doing an internet search on the name of my blog.

Squalorholla, I like the cut of your jib.