Letters to the Editor
cd4928
Published Letters: 46 Editor's Choice: 4
-
Help Him Get What He Needs
[Read the article: My husband of 12 years suddenly says he never loved me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Sounds like this man is terrible at communicating. That's not unusual. If he's a bad communicator, then things could have been brewing for a long time and he wasn't communicating it, so it "seemed" fine even though, for him, it wasn't.
If he is stressed out supporting five kids, he needs to gently be reminded that, even if he divorces you, he is still on the hook financially for those five kids. They are already here, whether he likes it or not.
That being said, as the life partner who is not currently in a breakdown, it's your job to help him figure out how five kids can be supported in a way that doesn't make him feel terrible. Some flexibility may be in order.
Perhaps you can downgrade your lifestyle. I don't know what your lifestyle is, but perhaps you could move into a smaller house, downsize the spending, so that he could have more job flexibility. Do you normally work? After maternity leave, could you start working part-time?
Obviously I don't know your situation, but the idea is that he cannot communicate and is not in a place where he can see options. You need to let him know that there are options, it's not black and white. It doesn't have to be "exactly the way it was" or "out of the marriage altogether."
A marriage counselor could help with that, too. But he really needs you right now. He needs to be encouraged to dust off his dreams and start pursuing them in a situationally-appropriate way.
And if he lacks the maturity to accept your help and work his way into a life he can live with, then he will divorce you anyway, but you haven't lost anything, you just did your best.
-
Remembering vs. Living In the Past
[Read the article: Wright's theology not "new or radical"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]African American slaves had a raw deal. Both from the Africans that sold them and the white settlers that bought them. And then all the legacy of racism in the U.S. after that. After Tuskeegee, I don't put it past the government to do something nefarious with AIDS. It sounds outrageous, but Tuskeegee was outrageous and that actually happened.
However, many groups have suffered. Women suffer in many parts of the world (including the U.S. at times). Jews have suffered. Etcetera.
My hope for Obama was/is that he seems like someone who can walk the line between remembering the past and living in the past. Wright, in contrast, has made such a rigid self out of his suffering, or that of "his people," that he seems to be living in the past. How does that help us move forward?
He has a right to his opinion. But he's not special or wise just because he's loud and bitter.
-
Why ask for advice?
[Read the article: I'm really a self-actualized being, but my family is all messed up]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Why would a self-actualized person ask an online advice columnist for advice?
-
People Grow Apart.
[Read the article: Our friend got drunk and went to a hotel room with a bunch of Marines]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]According to your letter, you've been friends with "Jan" since you were 13. There is a huge difference between 13 and 26. Your interests have changed, you're growing apart. That's natural.
After 13 years of friendship, I think it's normal to be concerned about your friend. But her life is her life. I think the advice to buy her some condoms is great. And I think you have to tell her boyfriend the facts about the unprotected sex (with no salacious details).
It's time for tough love. If she is not emotionally connected enough to you (or just too immature still) to be real about what's happening, then there's nothing you can do. Lovingly let her go and tell her you won't be answering her calls in the middle of the night anymore. When she does it again, don't answer or, if you don't recognize the # and it is her when you answer it, hang up. When you remove the emotional payoff, she will find someone else.
As for Lisa or Linda or whatever, see her at your place or somewhere neutral, not at her place. When she tries to gossip about Jan, tell her that you'd rather not talk about her behind her back. Stop giving this situation your emotional energy.
Keep her parents' phone number. Maybe in 10 years you will go to your college reunion and the storm will have passed and you can pick back up and get to know each other as adults.
-
Clucking hens
[Read the article: Our friend got drunk and went to a hotel room with a bunch of Marines]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I get that you and your friend are concerned. But I think you are taking this a little too seriously. Enjoying the drama a little too much. Your clarification letters sound downright gossipy.
You all are way too involved in Jan's life, and it doesn't sound like either of you have the emotional genuineness to actually be of any help to her.
-
Antidepressants kill sex drive
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Your letter doesn't mention if he is on antidepressants, but if he's been hugely depressed, it's a good bet that he is.
Antidepressants absolutely kill sex drive. I'm talking zero. Except Wellbutrin. That one has been shown to not interfere with and sometimes increase sex drive. So maybe he can add Wellbutrin to his regimen. Or slowly taper off the others and only take Wellbutrin - it doesn't work on the same receptors as some of the others, so that might not work.
-
@ Jane Doe
[Read the article: My husband doesn't want to have sex with me]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]"Depression, meds, whatever"
Um, what? You can't just overlook those two things, as though just because they are inconvenient they shouldn't matter.
Well, I mean, you CAN overlook them, but that's a hugely ineffective (not to mention childish) method of dealing with marital problems.
The fact is, those things DO exist. So the LW has to start there. If you're not willing to accept the reality of the situation, how can a positive solution ever arise?
Not everything is due to personal character flaws. If you have any doubts, go and take some antidepressants and experience what that's like.