Letters to the Editor
manyctnj
Published Letters: 448 Editor's Choice: 31
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Or maybe it's just me....
[Read the article: I'm 17 and I do not love my mother]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]This column and so many of the posters to it are so enveloped in how I feel, what I need, who did what to me, my parents are bad, my husband is bad, my boyfriend is bad, my employer is bad, my job is bad, my therapist is bad, me, I, me, I, me, my, me. I'm bored, I'm unfulfilled, I'm depressed, I'm angry. I've got a great life, but this, but that, but, but, but..... Feel bad for me, validate my feelings, take what I say as the only possible version of events, don't tell me to look at it someone else's way. Give me a pill, give me a solution that's easy, don't make me work at it, don't make me tough it out, don't tell me I may be wrong. Don't tell me to compromise, learn to cope, work at relationships, work harder at my job, stop feeling sorry for myself, apologize to anyone, or make the most of the shitty hand I was dealt. Don't tell me that there are any aboslute rights or wrongs (unless, of course, to tell me that I'm absolutely right). Don't tell me to honor my mother or my father...I'm morally and intellecutally superior to them in every respect. Don't tell me to walk a mile in someone else's shoes or to meet them halfway. Don't tell me that the solution to the problem requires sacrifice or even contribution on my part. Don't tell me to turn another cheek or that some suffering may make me stronger or that there is grace and dignity to treating others better than they have treated me. Only give me gray, beautiful, muddled, ambiguous, I'm-OK (it's-everyone-else-who-sucks), gray. Make my problem go away in the time it takes me to read Cary's response....errrr....art.
Can't we change the default response of this column to something like....hey, maybe your problem is.... somewhat/partially/entirely....YOU?
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Gee AndreaS, I was kind of hoping YOU'D come visit me in the nursing home...
[Read the article: I'm 17 and I do not love my mother]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]You're exhibit A to my prior post.
Why "All we have is us"? Unless I live until the apocalpyse, there will be billions of people on earth for the rest of my life. Maybe I'll have connections with some them, people whom I feel some responsiblity for and who feel some responsibility for me.
The only person in this story who is likely to say "all I have is me" at the end of her life is the mother whose daughter abandoned her at the age of 17 when she became enlightened by an advice column.
No, I'm not trying to feel superior to a 17-year old. I just don't feel as comfortable as a lot of the letter writers seem to be in telling a 17-year old to write off her mother.
Yes, I would have told the LW to love her mother...or at least that not feeling any love for her mother at the age of 17 is NOT normal or typical (which is the question she asked), absent some pretty extraordinary circumstances that don't seem to exist here, even taking the facts as she presents them at face value. What I saw in the letter was evidence that the mother had not done a great parenting job but had been trying to make amends for a couple of years and that the daughter simply rejected her.
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Maybe a house really is a home...
[Read the article: Where is my home?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I’m never really satisfied with the place I’m living. Needs paint or fixing or upgrading. Could be bigger, on a better street, in a nicer neighborhood, a better city, a better climate. And, gee, if only I had a pool. But when I look back at my life, each of those places was definitely my “home” for the time I lived there. I feel that way about cottages I’ve rented for 2 week vacations. All it takes is remembering one great (or even not so great, just memorable) experience there. Where I lived during that great senior year in college, my first place without a roommate, where I lived when I met my partner, when we got our dog., where I returned after the death of a parent. I also buy into all of those HGTV shows – make whatever space you inhabit your own, even if it’s just hanging pictures on the walls. Once you do that and maybe share a meal with someone there, even if it's takeout Chinese or pizza, it's definitely a home. If dissatisfaction with politics, neighbors, distance from friends and family and all the other factors cited by the LW went into making or not making a home, we'd have a whole lot more homeless people out there. Focus on your personal space, your next door neighbor, the folks upstairs or down the street. Make a connection with 1 person, 1 family. I really think that's all it takes.
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As if Ozzie and Harriet were anything like "ideal"...
[Read the article: Feel-good gay parenting story of the day]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thanks Skilfor. But your description of the "ideal ideal" is not the ideal. It's just one way, and there's really no evidence that it's the best way. We need to stop thinking about gay people as less than whole, gay marriages as less than worthy, and gay parents as less than ideal. I want (and am entitled) to a seat at the front of the bus, just like you.