Letters to the Editor
stilltheone
Published Letters: 506 Editor's Choice: 31
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Apology
[Read the article: I found my dad's gay porn]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]No Name --
I apologize for the tone of my last post, because I see I may have turned someone who was sympathetic toward gays into someone who won't be as sympathetic in the future, and that was not my intention.
You seem to have this image of closeted gay men who end up marrying women as coniving, scheming frauds, out to wreak havoc on the lives of innocent women. I just don't think this is a fair description. First of all, "closeted" in most of these cases means "closeted from self". Alot of these guys have NEVER self-identified as gay, are brought up in very homophobic enviroments, and marry young at a time when they have conflicting sexual urges. Many believe they are doing exactly what society, their families, their churches, etc., expect of them -- repressing whatever gay urges they have in a frantic but ultimately useless effort to conform. And many of them really believe they are in love with their wives when they marry and believe they can lead a straight life. I am sure you can imagine the horrible misery most of these guys find themselves in 25 years later when they realize they never knew what being in love meant. I know you can understand this because you express sympathy for the women involved who find themselves in a situation where their entire romantic life was a sham. It's really not any different for the men. And I don't think in alot of cases that the men feel they have any choice.
I actually have less sympathy for younger men who get into this predicament today than I do for older guys, because it is certainly easier to live as a gay person today than it was even 25 years ago. But I am here to tell you -- it is still no picnic. Believe me, no gay parent says to himself or herself, gee, I certainly hope my kids turn out to be gay, it's such a great life! Coming out takes an enormous amount of personal strength. And it's especially hard for teenagers and young adults. Society needs to make it easier for gay teens to date and explore romantic same-sex relationships. And we need to give gay people the right to marry on the same basis and with all of the same emotional and legal trappings that straight people have. When we stop forcing people to make a choice between what they percieve as a normal life and what is still clearly a second class existence, I think this problem will disappear.
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I really don't get it...
[Read the article: My boyfriend wants an open relationship]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Cary -- Why on earth would you recommend to someone who writes to you to say that he is fearful about an open relationship, that he is happy with monogomy, that he is afraid to allow his partner the freedom to sleep with other people....that he should go ahead and try an open relationship? Is it because you think that's what's right for gay relationships? I think you did your gay readers a great disservice with this advice.
Many gay couples have some version of an open relationship. But that's not to say it's right for everyone. And there's a big difference between having an open relationship, on the one hand, and agreeing to start seeing other people as a prelude to ending a relationship, on the other. The LW obviously suspects (and fears) that what's being discussed in his situation is the latter and not the former. And it's pretty obvious it's NOT what he wants.
The LW has every right to say to his partner...hey, I want you for myself. I don't want to share you. At least not now. Once we start "opening" the relationship, the genie's out of the bottle for me. Why don't we try to stay monogomous for now?
Your advice, Cary, was tantamount to saying -- your relationship is going to end anyway so what have you got to lose? You should have told the LW to be honest about his feelings with himself and with his partner. Maybe the honesty will give the relationship a chance for a future.
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You go, Cary!
[Read the article: Right-wing reading in the corporate john]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Or maybe in this instance, you rule. Either way, excellent answer from Cary.
And what are your other options, really? Retaliatory grafitti is a crime, flushing the offensive material (the literature, I mean) will likely cause a flood. You could push all of the conservative crap (the literature, I mean) under the partition into the right stall and try to preserve the left stall for liberal crap (I mean both the literature and the...well, you know), but that seems so polarizing and also self-defeating (if you've gotta go and the politically incorrect stall is in use). You could try raising a stink to management but they'll probably tell you to keep your stink where it belongs, which will just bring you back to where all this crap started in the first place.
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Get a hold of yourself and grow up....
[Read the article: I've lost control of my son's christening!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]What comes screaming through this letter to me is the LW's incredible immaturity. People who've lived a little, who have a solid relationship with their spouse or partner, who've made a mature decision to have a child, who've thought through what a christening is all about and what's important about it (and what's not important about it), just don't get caught up in stupidity with their relatives about these sorts of things. They make plans with their spouse/partner that work for them, they do their best to accommodate the reasonable requirements of their family, AND THEY MOVE ON. In other words, they take control over (and responsibility for) their own lives and stop sweating the unimportant details of a party. How is someone who can't make it past the christening without freaking going to actually raise a kid?