Cary,

I love your column, but I think you're way off this time. I am a 49-year-old Anglo woman immersed in mainstream culture, but even I know that wearing makeup and shaving our legs is a mask -- not doing it is taking the mask off. The "younger generation" has other masks that you have not addressed that I won't get into here, but an androgenous look is simply the way women look when they are honest. The way women present themselves is a silly mating game. I do it, but I know why, and so do all the women I know. When no one is looking, or when we are brave enough, we circle around the look that "Not Lesbian" has, but the different reaction it gets from men is quite noticeable. So the games continue.

Lesbians are more than no makeup and shaved legs. My guess is that her boss is attracted to her, either directly or vicariously.

I read Cary's answer eagerly, hoping to get insight into my similar problem, but I didn't find any. My similar relationship is not a friendship but someone I would hope to be able to marry some day. I don't know if I will forever be able to see the humor and the endearing qualities to his bad manners and overindulgence, his need to PARTYPARTYPARTY, although I love him and I'm enjoying life more now with him than I ever have in my life. I wish Cary had not taken the internal conflict of the author quite so lightly. Ultimately, what is at stake is one's peace and self-respect. I agree that we all probably take ourselves too seriously -- but isn't this an issue of a stronger personality dominating a weaker one? If that's so in my case, how will I ever get enough of what I need in the relationship?

I recently read that shyness is genetic, and the awkwardness that you describe sounds a little like shyness of a sort. But you can learn to relate to others better. First you have to become a little more comfortable with yourself. I suggest you take a look at your life as if it were a story. Look at pictures of yourself at different ages and try to make sense of yourself and what you've been through and how you arrived to the point you're at. Don't gloss over things about yourself by assigning them a one-word description, but try to go a little deeper into descriptions and explanations.

Next, think about other people in terms of what kind of story their life is. Think about what they have accomplished despite obstructions, what triumphs and pains they've experienced. When you're with a man, find out, for example, if you agree with his political views or if he has a sense of humor that touches you. Those things matter more than you seem to realize.

Thirdly, date a few men WITHOUT sleeping with them. Just take a little time to focus on yourself in a different context.

Don't waste anymore time being shallow. Life is all about relationships -- it's really pretty much all that matters sometimes.

I ever got before my divorce was: REMEMBER THE BAD TIMES. The fact is that you'll wish at times that you hadn't done it. You'll berate yourself and feel the weight of failure. You'll have a hard time explaining your reasons to some people, and you'll probably face a devastating financial loss.

Carey's advice was right on. It's not about nursing your wounds but about setting your course and believing in yourself.

The secret to staying together......is staying together. Someone who has been married for decades told me that. It sounds trite at first, but if you really think about it, it's kinda profound.

What I'm saying is that it's not really about trust. It boils down how you feel about your husband, whether you're ultimately getting what you need from the relationship despite the frustrations and hurts. Neither of you is completely trustworthy, obviously. So stop focusing on whether you an TRUST.

If you decide you want to stay with him, my advice is that you detach just a bit from the relationship. Not to the point where you need someone else to fill his role for you, but just to the point where the past is not so in-your-face all the time. Build your self-esteem back up by focusing on yourself again, remembering who you were before all of this started.

The principles of Al-Anon deal with a level of detachment to deal with an imperfect marriage and some of them might help you.

In the past I've found what Camille Paglia has written to be brilliant and courageous, even when I disagreed. I think we have come to a fork in the road, and I can't even tell which way her road is heading!

Salon, it's time to take her off the payroll.

You probably have decades left to deal with your parents so as much as you would like to just concede to their issues and keep peace, it is best not to. They'll have a lot more accepting to do of your life -- future partners and possibly children. It's best that you get it straight now that they need to respect you or you will just be dealing with the same things over and over. Asking for basic human respect and kindness is not too much to ask of our parents. If you are gentle and consistent in demanding it, they'll eventually come around.