I'm responding to the responders who argue that either (1) marriage is inherently dull compared with crushes but still the grown-up option; or, at the other extreme, (2) an extramarital crush is definite sign that you no longer love your spouse. Both sides of this argument lack some nuance.

In any long-term relationship, your feelings of love, closeness, compatibility, "soul-mate-hood," and attraction are bound to shift from time to time. I am amazed at how utterly indifferent I've sometimes felt toward my husband, or even downright hostile and bored by our relationship, only to have him crack a joke or say something insightful or make some small romantic gesture that gets me to fall in love with him all over again in an instant. I've also come to realize that it is my own age-old insecurity about relationships--beginning with my parents' terrible marriage--that causes me to experience moments of wanting to flee or fantasizing leaving him when we have our rare serious arguments. When the dysfunctional bullshit thoughts play themselves out in my head, I shake it off and realize that he and I are deeply bonded in exactly the way the old words say: for better or worse, richer or poorer, etc. And that I'm so lucky to have stumbled, despite myself, into this sustainable life.

Meanwhile, I've had crushes, boy have I ever. Luckily, I haven't been self-destructive enough to do anything beyond perhaps a little overly enthusiastic yet not quite flirtatious e-mailing. In each case, the intensity of feeling for this Other Person has sometimes seemed overwhelming. Especially when coupled with other kinds of stresses or a bout of depression, a crush can fool you into thinking that you need to leave Person A and go find paradise with Person B. Yet when I've waited out this ridiculous and childish way of looking at things, one of two things has happened: either I've ended up with a very nice, rich, enjoyable, and totally platonic friendship, or I've eventually come to see Person B as a complete idiot, and what the hell the was I thinking? If anything, rather than a sign that my marriage is somehow on the rocks, crushes have served as the occasional self-administered test that brings me back around to the decision I made all those years ago in front of all those family members and friends as witnesses: I DO!

Who knows what's really going on with LW, despite an obvious naivete about the cliche of falling for some foreign and utterly unattainable Other. Why not take him at face value when he says he loves his wife? He just hasn't figured out yet the difference between a passing fancy and a profound commitment. I hope he does, for the sake of everyone involved.

--years' and decades' worth of inside jokes, silly make-believe private words (which sometimes accidentally slip out in public), and anecdotes about events that were scary or embarrassing or painful at the time but now howlingly funny

--the daily mid-afternoon phone call to coordinate dinner plans or to just check in

--the feeling of snobby solidarity when you both hate a movie that everyone else is raving about

--the no-discussion-needed, all-business, springing-into-action when somebody on either side of the family calls with difficult news about a dying elder or unexpected hospitalization

--the mutual decision that Valentine's Day is stupid and best honored by ignoring

--the flowers or gifts that come for some other and completely unexpected reason

--the reality check from your partner when your emotions are stuck on high-drama or your ego is spinning out of control

--the trips to the grocery store for Stella Dora Swiss Fudge cookies and some Advil when you're stuck home sick

--the making sure to kiss goodbye even before a 10-minute trip to the grocery store

--the making sure to kiss hello after the groceries, even if it's just on the cheek to avoid contagion

--the random, unnannounced bear hug when you didn't even realize how much you needed it

--the paying attention and the being paid attention to

IN A WORD: friendship

and below, in slightly smaller print: inattentive and tone-deaf readers please take caution

I've read some evidence indicating that a person's tolerance for sex without intimacy is dependent on the quality and depth of his/her childhood attachment to parents. Essentially, a very strong and healthy child-parent bond means you grow up generally seeking intimacy and are happiest and most comfortable when you're in a monogamous relationship; a weak or dysfunctional bond means you grow up both desiring and perhaps even needing to have multiple partners or sex-without-strings in some or all times of your life. I'm painting the idea with a very broad brush here, but based on what I've seen in my own life and in other people's, it seems a plausible enough correlation. (I.e., my sluttier friends, whether straight or gay, male or female, have always tended to come from unhappier and more weakly bonded families-of-origin.)

If all this is true, then there will always be some people who--by the time they've grown up and Mommy and Daddy have put their indelible mark on them--profoundly need monogamy, and others who profoundly need more than one sex partner.

Maybe LW is the former and BF is the latter. In that case, if they try to stay to together, one or the other is going to have to compromise on something that is a deeply rooted part of his character. It's possible to do, but it means the compromiser will forever struggle with the challenge of living in a way that goes against his true character. My advice would be to put yourself in this position ONLY if you are sure the trade-off is worth it.