I was warned about "mood swings" when I went on chlomid, the first rung of that long, expensive, body-and-mind-sapping ladder they call fertility treatment. Instead, I got severe, suicidal depression. I pulled the plug on the whole business long before getting to IVF, but I still stayed in it for 3 years and risked my sanity and marriage in the process. The fertility doctors seemed to think I was exaggerating about my side-effects and kept barreling forward with their protocols until I finally insisted on stopping. Counseling by someone who specializes in infertility and adoption basically saved my life. I'm not sure about how government regulation of this business would work exactly, but there definitely needs to be a lot more information out there about the stresses of infertility and how the treatments themselves can make things worse rather than better.

As for those who glibly suggest adoption as an alternative: you just don't get it. We happen to have made that choice and are thrilled to be the parents of an amazing 3-year-old boy we brought home at 4 weeks old; right now we're on the waiting list to find another baby to adopt so darling son can have a sibling. But adoption is simply not for everybody--it involves a level of emotional bravery and honest self-scrutiny that not everyone can muster at the appropriate moment. No, it's not about "sainthood" or "selflessness" because generally speaking you're doing it for the same selfish reason that people give birth--to experience the depth and joy of family life. But you simply can't be committed to the old concept that "blood is thicker than water"--you have to have the moral imagination to know that you will love your adopted child as fiercely as any baby your body might have produced. Sadly, this is not a well-aired idea in our genes-obsessed culture.

But furthermore: adoption is a possible solution to family building, but not to infertility. The inability to conceive hits us at a very deep place, psychologically--even for those of us who've staked our adult identities on careers and worldly ambitions rather than childrearing. Adoptive parents still have to find ways to grieve, to come to terms with loss, and to move on from the fact that they were unable to accomplish this basic biological function that every other idiot in the world manages to do without even trying--or so it seems.

LW, take some hope from this: There is a good chance that when you become a mother, so much of your emotional energy will be redirected toward your child that you simply won't have much left over to continue feeling hurt/angry toward your father. You may, in fact, start to detach from the situation somewhat, and that will help you know what to do and what to say--or refrain from saying, as the case may be. Right now, you can't help but respond to your grief as the child of your late mother and seemingly indifferent father--but when you become a mother, and see your child thriving under your love and care, it will help you feel like a more empowered and independent adult, whose past still affects you but is definitely PAST. At least, this is what happened to me, much to my surprise. I still carry much anger and sadness about the really bad relationship I have always had with my parents, and I still have to bite my tongue a lot of the time in order to maintain civility so that my son can have a functional, happy relationship with his grandparents--BUT, the emotions just don't unsettle and disrupt me the way they used to. My new role as my son's mother has started tp eclipse my old role as my parents' daughter. I have heard the same sort of thing from many new parents with difficult family situations. Best of luck, and hang on--things change.

Many have mentioned the Unitarians, but there is another option in some cities--Ethical Culture and its offshoots. Ethical Culture makes no claims one way or another about those perennial big faith questions--whether God exists, whether there's an afterlife, etc.--and instead simply takes it as a "given" that human life has innate value and dignity. It offers a framework for talking about values and ethics without making any demands on you in terms of metaphysics or supernatural beliefs. In my town, for example, the Ethical Society holds Sunday morning meetings in which they sing songs, tell stories, discuss and debate "hot" issues (such as evolution and intelligent design in the schools), and even offer Sunday school for the kids. I haven't attended (yet), but I do receive the newsletter, and it seems like a strong alternative for those who reject the theology of churches but want to be a part of community that cares about ethical and moral issues.