I was warned about "mood swings" when I went on chlomid, the first rung of that long, expensive, body-and-mind-sapping ladder they call fertility treatment. Instead, I got severe, suicidal depression. I pulled the plug on the whole business long before getting to IVF, but I still stayed in it for 3 years and risked my sanity and marriage in the process. The fertility doctors seemed to think I was exaggerating about my side-effects and kept barreling forward with their protocols until I finally insisted on stopping. Counseling by someone who specializes in infertility and adoption basically saved my life. I'm not sure about how government regulation of this business would work exactly, but there definitely needs to be a lot more information out there about the stresses of infertility and how the treatments themselves can make things worse rather than better.

As for those who glibly suggest adoption as an alternative: you just don't get it. We happen to have made that choice and are thrilled to be the parents of an amazing 3-year-old boy we brought home at 4 weeks old; right now we're on the waiting list to find another baby to adopt so darling son can have a sibling. But adoption is simply not for everybody--it involves a level of emotional bravery and honest self-scrutiny that not everyone can muster at the appropriate moment. No, it's not about "sainthood" or "selflessness" because generally speaking you're doing it for the same selfish reason that people give birth--to experience the depth and joy of family life. But you simply can't be committed to the old concept that "blood is thicker than water"--you have to have the moral imagination to know that you will love your adopted child as fiercely as any baby your body might have produced. Sadly, this is not a well-aired idea in our genes-obsessed culture.

But furthermore: adoption is a possible solution to family building, but not to infertility. The inability to conceive hits us at a very deep place, psychologically--even for those of us who've staked our adult identities on careers and worldly ambitions rather than childrearing. Adoptive parents still have to find ways to grieve, to come to terms with loss, and to move on from the fact that they were unable to accomplish this basic biological function that every other idiot in the world manages to do without even trying--or so it seems.

I agree with all the people who warn LW against marrying someone with a significantly higher sex drive than her--but is it necessary advice here? It sounds like she has already found a very good fit. How many 22-year-old men have you known who seem as patient about, perhaps even as indifferent to, his sexual inexperience as this guy does? I don't meant to sound cynical or imply that ALL twenty-something males are horny little rabbits...but I would bet good money that MOST of them are feeling the urge strongly, whether they act on it or not. As are most young women!