for the affair he had, which caused his divorce and which, he believes, led directly to Nic's emotional problems and early drug use. I don't understand why so many posters here have just assumed otherwise. I haven't read the whole book, but from the long magazine article, David Sheff seems about as self-effacing as a parent can be. He admits he was selfish and immature as a young father and made many mistakes. Why judge him before you've even had a chance to read him? Duh.

Adoption can be deeply rewarding, but it is also ethically complex and emotionally challenging. I would ask those of you who haven't adopted yourself to refrain from cheerleading for it. It's simply not for everyone.

I say this as the proud adoptive mother of a boy who came to us as a healthy, hearty 3-week-old and is now a soccer-playing, letter-learning, joke-making preschooler. We have an incredible family and I can't imagine loving a biological child anymore than this one--who we were LUCKY to be able to adopt.

(Contrary to ignorant opinion, there are simply not a lot of orphaned U.S. babies (of any race) floating around out there just waiting to be claimed. And even the older and special-needs children in foster care are almost always the progeny of living parents currently in jail or drug rehab, which further complicates the emotional and legal aspects of adopting. International adoption triggers a lot of thorny issues regarding economics, exploitation, cultural dislocation, etc etc.)

Adoption IS different from biological procreation, even if the parenting process and the emotional attachment to family are the same in either case. But to trot adoption out as a cost-free solution to this LW's issue is naive and trivializing.

We call the attitude "paternalism" but IMHO it might just as easily be characterized as "maternalism": that excessive smotherly motherly concern for the consequences of one's foolish or even tragic life choices, the kind of concern that makes one feel even smaller and shittier than the choices themselves did.

If we were to subtract that inappropriately parental concern from the discussion about prostitutes (their life histories and why they do what they do), I think we'd eventually work our way back to this: Kidnapping is illegal. Slavery/forced servitude is illegal. Theft of wages is illegal. Battery and physical abuse are illegal. Rape is illegal. Pedophilia is illegal. Etc... Beyond these individual crimes and others I may have forgotten to include, why should anyone care if one adult chooses to have sex with another adult for money?

that's not what I really wanted to say.

What I really wanted to say was:

1) To the LW. YOU ARE NOT ALONE, as many letters here attest. I too avoided music for a long time, worked on killing myself with perfectionism and self-hatred, but eventually found my way back to life, via musical performance.

I started small, as a humble and awkward 30-something student among child prodigies, and have slowly worked my way up to bona fide Local Professional Act. I have fans all over the world via MySpace but will never be world-famous and may never even do more than break even on my music business, so I'll always have to do other kinds of work, too. But I am deeply at peace, without prescription or illegal substances of any kind. I think you could find that peace, too. Just to ring in with everyone else here saying so, please, get back to the music, somehow. Practice in private, join a garage band of artistically childlike but sober and timely grown-ups who play cover songs from the 80s, enroll in a community college jazz combo, whatever.

You will have your moments of grandiose, overwrought ambition and you'll wonder if you can handle them--if you can handle the huge gap between your childhood dreams and the mundane realities of a working musician's life (crappy or no pay, hours on the phone to hustle one gig, tired back from lugging equipment, etc etc). You can handle it. Unrealistic ambitions start to fritter away if you simply get a chance to play out for people with good bandmates. It doesn't even matter how well the audience is listening. I can't begin to describe or explain the bliss I get from playing corny sixty-year-old jazz standards as musical "wallpaper" in restaurants where only one or two people are even bothering to listen. Those are happy practice sessions for the four or five genuine concerts that my band will manage to play this year, rare but joyous events where people will really be listening and will really send all sorts of love and admiration and warmth back to the bandstand.

Get back to the music. It could save your life.

2) To Cary: thanks for one of your best responses EVER.

The telemarketing crap is just a way to pay bills. Find a better way.

Meanwhile, please, please concentrate on the fact that your real JOB in the past few years has been to heal yourself, and you are truly excelling at that.

Wow, this letter is bringing out some passionate responses today from the usual suspects. But Afro-G, special kudos for your terrific advice and perfect tone of voice: tough but not needlessly cruel (unlike some others around here). Maybe you should set up shop as a Life Coach. :-)

LW, I'm guessing you don't come off nearly as bitchy or narcisstic in person as this letter makes you seem. I remember being absorbed in unhappiness and self-pity in my early 20s, and even though I functioned more or less like a normal human during the workday, had friends and lovers and collegial relationships with my office mates, I sounded a lot like you when I wrote in my journal: bitter, inward, trapped. I'll give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you are better than your worst self-expressions. Take Cary's advice, and find ways to change your life. Don't neglect your son in the process, though.