Nothing reminds me of the upper-income whiteness inherent in Salon's editorial POV so much as its pieces that touch on recreational marijuana use. Sure, go ahead, authors and pro-pot letter writers, be cavalier about indulging in a little "herbal relaxation," as one person put it. Whether you agree with our country's flawed and hypocritical drug laws or not, the fact is, like most criminal laws in this country, their consequences devolve much more harshly upon the heads of the least powerful among us. Low-income African-American boys get put in prison on a regular basis for engaging in the "harmless" pastime that you all take for granted as a youthful rite of passage or a pleasant diversion from adult responsibility.

I liked what one lone responder here wrote to Gary Kamiya: if you believe the law criminalizing pot is wrong, teach your kid to be an activist against it. Maybe along the way he will manage to learn about how other, less privileged people have to live, and how fucking lucky he is by comparison.

By the way, I recently heard that the city council where I live is FINALLY thinking of reinstating and refunding programs that offered substance abuse detox/counseling for folks in jail awaiting their drug possession trials. Maybe one day, the television show THE WIRE will actually seem like a far-off piece of fiction, instead of just a sidebar to our daily newspaper here.

LW, honey, if you still think everything happens for a reason, then you have NOT really left the religion of your upbringing. Stop torturing yourself with a punitive worldview that will never let you off the hook for anything. Your letter fairly drips with the self-induced stress of obsessive teleological thinking...a form of self-hatred, not too surprising in the control-seeking child of an alcoholic and a philanderer. Forgive yourself for things that were never your fault anyway, and move on.

Cary's answer was nearly perfect today, because it focused on the real problem and pointed toward a solution without too much extraneous fuss.

It's interesting to me how many responders here are focused on the writing/artistic production aspect of this letter instead of the profoundly sick family dynamics on display. This man is not an artist of any sort. He's an abuser with a serious personality disorder (narcissitic, borderline, something along those lines). Everything is about him and his profoundly fragile ego. He can brook no actual or imagined criticism, yet continues to dare his family to criticize on a regular basis. His children were trained from childhood to walk on eggshells, and as grown-ups they are still doing it. The entire family system swirls around the vortex of neediness created by this man.

Yeah, sure, even true artists can be narcissistic and put their needs above their families. Yeah, sure, even great writers write tons of crap before emerging into their voices. But none of that is relevant here. This father is fundamentally broken, incapable of actually feeling the love/approval/validation-through-fame he desperately seeks, which is why he has been such a bully all his life in trying to obtain it.

LW, find yourself a therapist to be your strong ally and advocate, and find a way to extricate yourself (emotionally if not physically) from this awful situation. Yes, you love your father, but as Cary said, you can't fix him. And in fact, it's likely that nobody can.

Trust me on this.

I can see why certain responders here are really annoyed at the armchair assessment of personality disorder or mental illness, I really can--and I was one of the ones who made a very strong early statement along those lines.

Yes, those of us who grew up with a controlling, oversensitive, narcissistic parent may be quick to read certain signs, and perhaps in some cases we are TOO quick. But here are the key passages that made me conclude what I concluded:

"But all my life we've walked on eggshells around my dad -- avoiding any hint of criticism or conflict or challenge because he just can't take it. In fact, he sees it even where there isn't any, and then rages and pouts and gets depressed."

Raging, pouting, getting depressed at the slightest criticism: not a sign of mental health.

"Trying to give only positive feedback results in his continual probing for more depth -- and it can be deuced hard to come up with a lot of positives. He is a bottomless well of need for approval and praise."

Bottomless need for approval: not a sign of mental health.

"Eventually, he gets discouraged with his progress toward fame and gives up his dream of reaching it through that method, becomes deeply depressed for a few months, and then moves on to a new project."

Inability to commit to any single discipline or art despite claiming to be a great practitioner of each one in turn: not a sign of mental health.

"But he genuinely believes his works are fantastic. He always reads everything there is to know about his new endeavors and he believes he knows it all. He won't take classes or join writers' groups because, of course, he knows more than the instructors or other students. They are never sufficiently an "expert" he can respect."

Unfounded and completely inaccurate self-image in a 65-year-old man: not a sign of mental health.