McEnroe is tennis news no matter what anyone thinks about him as a person, so he deserves to be covered for his tennis, and this piece does that well. But don't even bother telling us how he acted like a gentleman . . . for one match. He's ALWAYS had the ability to act like a gentleman . . . for one match. Sometimes Bobby Knight is charming, too. Narcissism is incurable.

as well as apt, and about as funny as it is possible to be about fascism.

I don't think you can trust Cary on this. I have noticed that he is very sentimental about family, and perhaps he has just explained why. Earlier this week he was very positive about the dad who was absent from his daughter's life for 25 years but wants back in. In that case, the woman was suspicious of the father's motives, but Cary wasn't. He was dewy-eyed. I'm just going to suggest that your worst fears are completely reasonable. Calling them "Mommy" and "Daddy" isn't a red flag all by itself, but it is as soon as you add the other information. More than once a day is a red flag. 27 years old is a red flag. "Let's see where they retire" is a red flag. And her non-responsiveness to your concern is a gigantic red flag: it means she hasn't been waiting around for someone to help her bail on this situation, but instead can't imagine living any other way. In the old, old days, Abby and Ann Landers would have given you an answer in one or two sentences: What you are seeing is what you are going to be getting; you would be a fool to think she can or will change, because there is not the least indication that she wants to change. If YOU can change, by loving all this as much as Cary says he would, by all means go for it. But I have a feeling you and I both know you can't. I know I couldn't.

As an earlier correspondent pointed out, he doesn't lose his temper with his boss. Or with the cop who writes him a ticket. He thinks there is something about the situation with his partner that permits his rage and justifies it. It is no answer to say that the woman may be difficult and controlling. The cashier at the grocery store may also be, but violence is not acceptable as a response, and there he never thinks it is. There is an ideology behind his behavior, and it is inimical to the letter-writer and probably to any woman who becomes involved with him.

The only way Cary's advice works is if this man is desperate to get into therapy, because he is so ashamed of his behavior that he cannot stand it another day. No, huh? If any part of him defends his rages, and says they are brought on by the letter-writer, prospects for change are poor.

Letter-writer, many people write to Cary and say "I love this person and can't imagine not spending the rest of my life with him or her." This is the Romantic Myth. It is highly destructive of self-respect and happiness. It is not FATE that has brought you together with the Only Possible Soul Mate. These things happen for a reason, and I agree with another correspondent who says you might want to investigate that.

Some therapists use the term "triangled in" for this situation. Your friend says to YOU what he should be saying to his spouse. You are the valve that lets the steam out. But from another perspective, I would just say, no, this relationship should not be respected, even if it "works" for both parties. And I think you do tell your friend that. You say that you cannot listen to these accounts because it is too demoralizing. So one of two things happens. He stays with the wife, but the topic is off-limits, and then you decide whether a relationship with that sort of constraint is any good; or you allow him to continue to talk about it in the context of his trying to do something about it--REALLY trying to do something about it--and you support all the things that he is trying to do. It is fine to be compassionate about the muddle he may be sincerely in--to a point. But "marriage is for keeps" is not really a moral philosophy here, it is an alibi. Even no-divorce-ever religions believe that marriages should not be abusive. But finally, I think the advice you are going to get from most corners is, get the focus off him and onto yourself. What is good for you in this relationship? It isn't really selfish to look at it from this perspective. One-sided relationships can't work in the long run. We already know you feel for him. What do you feel for yourself? (I think the answer is in your letter, but take it seriously.)