I thought the most relevant thrust of being "atheist" is that there ain't no one watching? that one should be a good person in this life for the sake of being a good person, rather than Sky Man's ultimate reward. In other words, there's no real reason he shouldn't wear the little hat for his wife. Who cares? Who's watching?

Frankly, if his principles are truly at stake for such a mild compromise -- a hat, really, who cares -- then they must not be that firm in the first place. (The same could be said, oh ho - for the wife, of course)

The real question for the health and sanity of their marriage is this: Does it matter more to his wife if he attends synagogue in the appropriate attire or does it matter more to him that he not?

This truly minor point sounds like one last bitter stand by a man far too compromised. If he is so steamrolled by this woman's need for him to attend religious ceremonies, to the point the traditional accessory matters at all, I'm not sure synagogue is an appropriate place for him at this point in their relationship.

Drop the fight. drop the issue. If it matters to him to keep you happy, he will search for the right synagogue on his own time. Spend your next few Saturdays with cartoons and a real conversation about what matters to you and why, one that's not about a hat.

Okay, here's what I think. FIRST OF ALL - I'm sure old LW appreciates the encouragement to kick his ass out, and god knows she needs it, but she stated quite clearly she WOULD NOT make this demand. She won't. She's not going to. She just said it. Right there. See? That makes this problem a bit more difficult.

Here's what I think. I think this situation didn't get weird until very recently. Before that point, the thwarted efforts with roommates were sufficient explanation. I think there is something holding her son back from feeling competent -- in many abstract ways. Her son needs to be given those tools. The easy way. Here's how: the LW should scrape together a couple thousand dollars and send her son abroad for three months. Maybe more. I don't mean Europe either. I mean, south america, southeast asia, hell, I don't know, somewhere south.

Counter-intuitive? out of the box? Well, news flash -- lady ain't kicking him out, so let's think bigger. Better. This young man (and he really is young), for some reason, does not feel equipped to make friends and succeed living outside the home. And I truly think the freedom and - in a word - sheer difficulty of traveling might help.

Not only will travel facilitate a physical separation between these two lovebirds, it will force Sonny-boy to take his various manipulations and emotional handicaps elsewhere, funneling his energy into self-sufficiency. After he comes home, hopefully he'll have a better idea of himself. THEN she kicks him out.

That's it. I'm a genius.

it breaks my heart to read this letter. how DO you make friends? everyone here is giving the same generic advice. Do you know how annoying it is to hear that "college is where you make the friends you'll have for the rest of your life"? How damning.

Friends. Friends. Friends. What a reluctant conceit. I first made the same mistake others have referenced, by refusing to acknowledge my allies as just that -- co-conspirators, people to sit down with and eat lunch with, I watched my floor bond while I hung out with my boyfriend or swum around campus with people I'd gone on a backpacking trip with before new student week. The people on my floor, my age -- those were allies. I was looking for too much too soon. Coupling off didn't help.

The backpackers weren't too last as friends, the daily lunch dwindled to one dinner a month, to none at all, but the company was good. I liked them, but do not hesitate to form alliances, even with people who aren't your favorites. Do not hesitate to knock and doors and ask if someone wants to go to Burger King or play video games. I wish I could do it all over again, and I'd pretend it's different for girls, but it probably isn't.

My biggest mistake was to not nurture the connections that I already had, that I knew were valuable. You know when you like someone. You know if you click, if you're similar. I was silly to learn that a girl I'd been interested in in my poetry class was just as curious about me (this some beered up night on the beach, friends of friends, senior year, years later). And I've been ditched, waylaid by flakes. It was hard to call and just as hard to learn when to stop calling.

I don't mean to paint a sad picture. But it was a frustrating experience. I joined a sorority and I had allies. I joined my student radio group, and I found people I respected. But ultimately, college friends are a matter of proximity. You must put yourself in the proximity of potential friends. For me, this means living with someone who has a good social network, in whatever respect -- through the radio station listserv, in the laidback student co-op, in the nerds-only fraternity (the scene has much more diversity than you'd think; give it a shot.)