>It sounds to me like the LW is already acquainted with the patience game. She sounds like an ordered, controlled person who may actually benefit from getting a little wild. No need to whore it up, but if she is attracted, why not plant a surprise peck on the guy's mouth right in the middle of dinner. That's right, I said it--right in the middle of dinner! Or at the top of the ferris wheel, or during the movie, or whatever. If life seems to be motoring along at a steady, uninspired pace, maybe shaking things up somehow is a good idea. Lack of expectation is fine, being open and not having one's sights set on a fixed result is fine, but taking action and conjuring a little magic is perfectly within one's power.

Ditto!

In addition: I don't think patience is a virtue in this case because it's ABOUT desire. If you want it then I advocate actively looking for it. I hate advice that's all about be passive and don't want so hard ... this is love she's looking for and 23 is not young in my book when it comes to love. Finding the RIGHT love of course is an entirely different matter, but I think at 23 it's good to be practising on someone-even-if-they're-not-THE-one so you can learn the lessons you need to learn to be right for when the right one comes along.

I think you can love your brother and continue to reach out to him while at the same time writing him off to the extent that you decide to not take his complaints seriously. I call this having the relationship on Your Terms rather than his. I've done this with all of my family members and it's worked well.

Practically it means that, after careful consideration, you decide that his terms are neither reasonable nor rational. Nor will they lead to a good relationship because they don't take into account your life or your needs. Having concluded this you no longer have to take his complaints seriously. When forced to listen to them run over what groceries you need to pick up from the store next you're there.

Your Terms might include the following: genuinely caring about what's going on with him and phoning or writing on a regular basis to give him your news and ask about his. Enjoying one another's company as much as possible when you are together. This means if you get on better while watching a video or sports rather than sitting down face to face, do that. Send a christmas or birthday present every year (I'm not organised enough to manage both) and phone on his birthhday. Be honest about your life but don't expect anything from him. If you don't have time to return a call or meet his demands then just don't. No need to feel guilty. If he asks about why you haven't then simply explain. You have needs and you need to meet them. However, let him know you love him. Just because it's not love on his terms doesn't mean it's not love. Let him know he will always have a bed at your house and that you will do anything to help him in an emergency. And that's it. Those to me are the foundations of familial love.

It's a shame you're not close friends and don't have a relationship based on intimacy, equality and trust. But to someone like me with my family history that would be incredible if you did. And I don't think it's especially sad that you don't. What are the chances? I know I know some people do but I am always amazed when I hear it. That kind of a relationship is called friendship. The one you have with your brother is called Family. Both important, and really different.

Birth order is a theory which posits that the order in which we are born has an indelible effect on our personalities and drives which mark us for life. This arises from the need for siblings to differentiate themselves from one another in order to clearly imprint their individuality on their parents and thus their claim equal, perhaps even preferential treatment during the years when we are utterly dependent upon our parents for survival. Furthermore the theory claims there are consistent traits various birth orders exhibit, and when you start reading about it and applying it to families you know it can be scarily accurate.

First borns: these are the lawmakers. They like the status quo (because it benefits them so much) and tend to be bossy, prissy and 'good'. They are often over responsible high achievers. In public life it's incredible how many presidents, judges and other 'patriarch/matriarch' types are first borns. They stick to the rules and often enforce them on others. Even when it's in the service of something revolutionary it will often be the first born who is an enforcer eg Stalin!

Middle children: these tend to be 'peacemakers'. They like to fit in and bring harmony and peace to situations. They are good followers and tend to be popular and well liked. They are often good humoured and undemanding.

Last borns: these tend to be the artistic, narcissistic, temperamental types. It's amazing how many pop stars, actors, 'look at me' types are last borns. They are good at seeking attention and holding on to it. They tend to rebel against the status quo and it's amazing how many revolutionaries were last borns - eg Lenin! Other last borns: Warren Beatty, Carly Simon, Che Guevara ... (I think).

It's also interesting to look at couples you know in terms of birth order: first born boys often pair up with last born girls or vice versa.