My brother in law is a Hasidic Jew. He won't eat the food in our house, we keep a whole set of seperate cooking utensils in a bag for him for when he comes. He takes down the landscape painting we have in our guest room that happens to have in it a tiny cross. He is very worried about the way we are raising our son.

My brother is a fundamentalist Christian. He didn't speak to me for years until I married my husband - before then, according to him we were living in a state of sin. He is very worried about the way we are raising our son.

How do I deal with this? I don't. I blithely keep loving them and I am grateful on behalf of my son for all their prayers and their love.

Cary what a beautiful response. I'll be thinking about that one for days.

Georgetown - yes! People are absolutely addicted to drama and pain, it's just like any other drug, but even more potent because it feels so REAL. I was in an extremely painfulu relationship and I came to the conclusion that I was doing it because pain made me feel so ALIVE. Pain brings you so fully into the present moment. It's so great when it stops, even temporarily. It's so absorbing and engaging. Yes, I guess was engaged in emotional S&M - which is at the root of a lot of romance narratives. Guess who the woman generally turns out to be? Yup - the masochist. This is in women's romance narratives, not men's. But anyway - after realising that about pain I asked myself if there was anything wrong with it then. What's wrong with pain if it's giving you a full feeling life? And that's where the whole thing fell apart. Because it was self created pain. It was uneccessary pain. As opposed to necessary pain like your child being ill, or you get sick, or your roof falls in ... this was all voluntary. And isnt't that in fact just a way to feel in control? You can think: I'm doing this to myself, I'm creating all this pain, therefore real life can't get to me, and what's more I'm paying my pain bill before they even come due.

But you're not. The pain destiny has in store for you will come anyway and what a shame not to have lived in joy and happiness the rest of the time. And of course real life can and will get to you - but without all the happiness and joy you could have been experiencing if you weren't so addicted to the whole pain/drama narrative.

Finally, I think addiction to pain and drama can distort the whole trajectory of your life. It brings your energy down, you attract different - ie the wrong - people. Pain and drama makes you self obsessed, boring and despondent.

When I got over my pain/drama binge - I actually made a pact with a friend: 'no more B grade shitty drama' - I discovered energy resources I had never suspected that I had. Creativity, a love of pretty clothes, a predilection for the beach on a rainy day, all kinds of things.

I'm still struggling with a mini version of it though - I always expect the worst in any situation. I want to change that ...

I think you are feeling overwhelmed and sad, LW, and that you are trying to 'think' your way around these feelings. I, also, am a bit thinker, and a big worrier, and, in the face of big scary emotions like the ones I think I would be having if I were in your situation, these tendencies would go into overdrive - as it seems they are with you.

I think it's time to sack your brain - or send it to a nice spa somewhere for some R&R. Just say, when it starts freaking out and trying to analyse things and Make A Plan, 'there there brainy, dear, go have another nap.'

In the meantime I think you should embark on a punishing fitness regime. Somehow that really helps with the OverActive Brain.

And may I just add that your girlfriend sounds like she has gotten embroiled in a really bad scene that is going to eat up what is left of her youth and that you are very well out of it?

You know how when someone goes into prison the recommended thing to do is explode, on the slightest provocation, into an awe inspiring display of crazy violence and aggression? That way - the reasoning goes - no one will bother you again. They'll all be too terrified. This is what new sister in law is doing, and you are her designated victim.

My advice: make your response 'reply all senders' - ie ensure everyone who read her email will also read yours. Explain that the email was private. Explain that, as a loving brother, your concern was justified, whatever her opinions. Assure her that no disrespect was intended or meant:, and that you certainly have no wish to invade her privacy. Conclude with a reiteration of your best wishes on her nuptials.

This sends the message to her, and to everyone, that you won't be cowed. She'll have to find someone else to make an example of. And then I would continue on in your relationship with them as though nothing had happened. Refuse to discuss it again. Go on loving your brother and being pleasant to the wife, but let your email be the line in the sand: this far and no further.