Cary says: You're just out of step with our quickly advancing sensitivities and sympathies toward animals. People in rural and semi-rural areas have different customs about killing animals.

Not true. The industrialised rearing and slaughter of animals en masse is a new phenomenon (last fifty years) and it is becoming more intensive as those involved find cheaper and cheaper ways of doing it. eg robots are being used in milk production. Do you think they are sensitive towards cows?

In fact, the majority of people's sensitivities towards the the treatment of the animals they wear and eat has never been blunter, probably because it's a) out of sight and therefore out of mind b) just so irresistably cheap it's inconvenient to think about how or why.

Sure, people in past times were often cruel to their animals, just as they were to children, women, slaves etc. But a lot of people were decent too. They cared about their animals and took care of them, if only because they were a valuable resource and because they had to live with their suffering and look those animals in the eye.

That said, I like Cary's advice about getting a dog. At least with a dog the mess is predictable, and a lot of dogs I know do their poo on their daily walk anyway.

You: It's part of a co dependant pattern of thinking to be taking responsibility for what will happen to him if you call the police. It's not your responsibility. Your responsibility is to look after yourself and your family and seeing as he's threatening you, you need to take steps to find safety.

Him: If he didn't want you to call the police he wouldn't be threatening you and your family. It's his actions that are causing these things to happen to him. It's a classic abusive pattern of thinking for him to be making you responsible for his wellbeing and for keeping him out of jail. Don't believe it.

You: This is a very dramatic situation that probably feels compelling. However it's not actually a situation that can lead to anything good or interesting, particularly as it's actually him who is exercising all the control and is choosing to piss it away in drinking and threatening violence.

If you get out of this now you will look back at it in a few years and see what a D grade drama the whole thing was, cooked up by an addict who didn't want to deal with their issues and so created a whole lot of drama with their girlfriend instead.

Finally, you say you love him. Fear can often be mistaken for love because it's so exciting and compelling. Whether or not you love him I hope you love yourself more. Go work on your own life, deal with your own issues, find a love that is creative and mutual and forget about this guy.

I actually finally wrote a letter about these LWs in the last lot of letters - pleading with those who just hate the column/participants/Cary/letterwriters to go elsewhere. Some people just can't handle free will I guess and so it oppresses them that this forum exists. The thing is, of all the hateful horrible things out there in the world and here on the web this would surely have to be pretty mild - by ANYONE's standards. If you hate lefty liberal knee jerk liberalism there must be better forums for that than this one. If you simply hate people there are better forums for that elsewhere also. For the life of me I don't know why people spout their vitriol - EVERY SINGLE TIME - about how crummy this all is.

For my part: I look forward to reading the problem and Cary's response every day. I usually respond too. I really enjoy thinking it over and then crafting my response. I really enjoy reading other poeple's THOUGHTFUL responses and I usually manage to glide right over those of the variety described above. I would love to be in Cary's position - an agony aunt to such articulate interesting people - and seeing as I'm not this is the next best thing.

The one time I wrote a horrible response that I regretted almost instantly was when i was having a particularly hard time and the LW's letter of that day hit on it in an indirect manner. At the time i didn't realise what was feeding my response, but looking back it's obvious to me what the connection was.

I'd like to suggest an apology and retraction thread for instances like those - when you write in haste and repent at leisure. In my 'real' life I know better than to put harsh thoughts into writing where they last forever.

It would be so great if the hate filled outraged letter writers would go elsewhere and leave the rest of us to savour this sharing of the hard things in life and our wisdom in response.

Amen.

Why is it so important? High school reunions exist to provide narrative structure to Life After High School. So as much as you experience your life as LAHS, that's how significant these narrative full stops will be. It's an opportunity to take stock and judge yourself and others on the most superficial of markers that can be assessed in a glance - like weight. And these were the harsh criteria that so many teens judged each other and themselves on at the time, soi there's a real resonance to the whole thing. But actually, everyone's life has their ups and downs and where the reunion comes in all that is abritrary.

I agree that it sounds like the LW wants to take a trip down lovers lane with someone. I don't see why her husband's presence would make her nervous otherwise. And that begs a whole other moral question.

Vote for Great Reunion Films of All Time:

Nomination One: Grosse Pointe Blank - John Cusack