As I read your article about your son it really jumped out at me how much power you are trying to exert over your son through the fact that you own the car you let him drive and that you have more money. This is not a good basis for respect or power and I think you should stop relying on it. Paying the insurance on it doesn't entitle you to order him out to do errands, to make him clean the car or for that matter to order him to clean it to your satisfaction. In the short term it will only be effective until he gets his own car and in the long term you are losing his respect.

Like it or not you need to accept that he isn't going to do as you tell him to anymore just because you can make him. And when you do succeed in making him, and force him back into that position of being a child it just makes him resent you more.

If I were you I'd give him the car as a gift and do it in a generous spirit. Don't mention it again and don't abuse the fact that you have more money than he doesn to exert power over him.

When you worry about the way he drives, or want him to do an errand, treat him like an adult. Tell him how much you worry and how much you wish he'd drive more safely. Take the risk and be vulnerable with him. When you want him to do an errand ask him nicely to do one for it's own sake rather than because he 'owes' you.

Whether he chooses to treat you with respect or not you at least are acting like a lovabhle and respectable person and sooner or later he'll realise it.

I know what you're talking about! There were days back when I was living in the city and working at home during the day when I would go out to buy lunch and come home ready to hide under the bedclothes for the rest of the afternoon I would be so freaked out by what I had encountered out there. Then I realised that all of the people I was dealing with were 1. tourists just here for a while 2. good looking people who knew they were good looking (I used to live in a very exhibitionistic area - it was at the beach and overpopulated with models sporting fake breasts). ie they thought I was a waste of space and had no hesitation in letting me know. So I began shopping up the hill instead where elderly immigrant hungarian jewish women served me lunch while they boasted about their doctor sons and genius grandchildren ... muuuuuuch better. Now I live in a small town and hardly ever get this feeling anymore at all. People really are more polite. The lesson I draw from this: avoid young people who know that they're cooler than you; move somewhere more civilised.

The other place I have felt this hugely is in India where for the first few days I am always in a decompression chamber of outraged judgement which rains down on the heads of both individual Indian people and the nation as a whole - fortunately I keep my mouth shut. From the chaos on the streets to the way a waiter wipes a table down I am appalled and bewildered by the chaos and the differentness of it all. Then something weird happens ... I start getting used to it ... then something even weirder happens ... I start feeling much happier than I usually am. Somehow my DNA changes around so that I can see beyond the chaos and squalor and sheer disorganisation of it all to the incredible civility, charm, skill and sheer ... well, civilisedness with which people individually and as a collective whole do things. I become more accepting, less uptight, and unsurprisingly this is a much better and nicer way to be.

So, what to think? It's either the place you're living in or it's you. Try moving, and then try changing and see which one makes you happier.

I want to congratulate Harried on pulling himself out of the depression and taking such significant steps in getting his family's life back on track, such as making dinner every night and eating it together. It's also great that Harried has been as committed as he has been to keeping his family together. It sounds like things are pretty bad though if his mother is threatening to sue for custody and this leads me to think things have reached crisis point already. I'm glad Harried is putting the welfare of his child first.

The trouble with addicts is that nothing is going to change them if they don't think they have a problem, besides which, no matter how much they act out their addictive behaviour it isn't going to address their problem either. Harried's wife is obviously NOT dealing with some pretty big problems, and so it's not just the clutter that's hurting Harried's family, it's the unaddressed issues behind that behaviour as well.