The LW should distinguish between having differences of opinion or different needs (and how is it possible that any couple on earth doesn't? Unless one has successfully brainwashed the other which in this case is a distinct possibility) and screaming and shouting. And she should distinguish between screaming and shouting and being abusive. You can be abusive without saying a word. You can be aggressive and domineering without ever raising your voice.

If things really are as good as she says they are in their marriage though then why the need for this letter?

While I don't see a problem here I also don't see the superiority of this way of relating over others. See, I fight. When I get frightened or upset I react by screaming my head off. My voice is LOUD. If my husband found this too awful he would have left a long time ago, but he would have made a big mistake because we get along really well and have a great relationship. We just resolve our differences loudly and tempestuously. This doesn't mean it's abusive. It doesn't mean anything terrible is going on. It just means we're sorting stuff out with a lot of energy being expressed. And when it's over, which is usually very soon after it began, it's OVER. Done with.

I know shouting frightens some people. I feel frightened by people who react to upsetting situations by shutting down and being silent. The point of a successful argument is to get over your fear and resolve the problems. Whether you do that by shouting, calmly writing up a pro and a con list or having wild sex doesn't matter, does it?

Just out curiosity - what is the sex like in your marriage LW? Polite? Considerate at all times? 'After you.' 'No. After you.' 'No, I insist ... '

My husband loves Spinoza but I have always found him to some extent impenetrable. This article inspires me to try again and I'll buy Goldstein's book.

Reading about Spinoza's ideas about 'substance', and apprehending God through 'reason' I am struck by the similarity of words and vision with some of Mary Baker Eddy's writings on Christian Science. I wonder if she was influenced by Spinoza? Reading about his thoughts on romantic love, the 'specialness' of humans, let alone a race of humans or a particular human I am reminded of A Course in Miracle's warnings against 'the special relationship' of romantic love.

If these similarities are born out as I learn more then Spinoza, then he has been more of an influence in my life than I heretofore had realised.

I think you're still 'going through' your divorce. You broke up only a year ago and you were together eleven years. I think it may take some time yet for the grieving to end. I think also that sometimes, often, one big loss triggers sadness over all the other losses in your life, so that you can feel like you've been hit by a tidal wave of mourning for everything. This is normal. I'd even venture to say that when you feel this way it can seem like you've ALWAYS felt this way. However, you've been in that marriage for eleven years, and you've done well professionally and artistically, so that even though there are big sadnesses and losses in your story there have also clearly been wins and highs.

I think you need to hang in there. The sadness and grief over your divorce will end. And with that your sadness over everything will decrease and even lift I think. One morning you'll wake up and find yourself looking forward to breakfast, or going to work and actually laughing sincerely at a joke someone tells.

However, in the meantime, it does seem like it would be really helpful to join a therapy/grief group or get counselling. Perhaps drugs would be in order - and again I agree with Cary that you should make this a big priority.

Finally, you're thinking about converting to Judaism and are wondering about how holocaust survivors coped afterwards ... well there's such great literature to choose from with this. My favourite: Enemies, A Love Story by Isaac Bashevis Singer although this may not be very cheering. Primo Levy, Victor Frankl ... I wonder about stuff like this quite often too. Lately I've been wondering about people who have a child who dies or is very disabled - say with Autism Syndrome Disorder. How do they cope? Life can be incredibly intimidating and hard sometimes with what gets thrown at you. My instinct is: get under the couch! Pull the bedclothes over your head! Hide!

Spiritual growth must be part of the answer and your idea of converting to Judaism sounds like a good one to me. It will give you a structure to examine your faith and relationship to God with. I say this as one who has done the conversion classes - they were really interesting and stimulating, although of course I'm sure it varies from temple to temple (I went to a reform synagogue). You don't actually have to convert - I went along to learn more about my husband's religion - and it will give you time and space and information to help you in your consderations. A big improvement on my brother's fundamentalist christian church where you're encouraged to simply 'come down the front and be slain in the spirit' and bam! you're converted.

Good luck. I can really relate to what you're going through.