Suicides spike at Christmas, so do calls to Ermergency Help Lines. Mass Behaviour always oppresses and disadvantages some people. I wonder if that's part of the pleasure for everyone else? They get to pity those who are alone, or different, or simply not like them. And the vigour with which some people take to churning out cards and presents and dotting every i and crossing every t of tradition is just extraordinary. What's firing them? I often wonder. Could it be schadenfreude? Or just the thrill of enforcing a mass ritual.

I don't pity anyone who gets their wish at Christmas.

I don't think he cares about you. Sorry - I loved Cary's response and as I read it I was feeling sympathetic to the boyfriend. But as soon as I stopped reading I thought - if he cares about this woman he will be trying to win his family over to his way of thinking about her. And he's not.

However, this doesn't mean he's not a nice guy. Why, if you're just getting out of a failed marriage, would you want to start getting serious and introducing your woman to the 'rents etc. WHY WHY WHY? I wouldn't, that's for sure. I'd be looking for a sweet pretty relationship that didn't carry all that baggage. For something that allowed me to give where I wanted to give - in bed is a distinct possibility - and not be obligated elsewhere.

That's what the BF is telling the LW: It doesn't cross my mind to see our relationship in those terms.

That don't mean he's nasty. It just means he's not serious. And why should he be? He's just finished with something serious, and look how that turned out.

The LW, her husband and her family are under intolerable pressure. Something's got to give and right now it's the LW's husband's mental stability. Fairly soon, I sorrowfully predict, other things will follow: the family, the finances, the business, the marriage .... the fallout will take YEARS to clean up, if cleaning up is ever possible at all. Things like reputations can sometimes never be resurrected.

The main question I asked myself as I read this letter was: what business could possibly be worth the kind of damage that is about to be done? I know it's his dream, I know they've sunk a lot of money into it, but it's time - high time - to pull the plug, and for every reason.

It's hard that the husband won't see it this way, but too bad. It's time for the wife to make an executive decision and pull out at every level. Then if the husband wants to jion her in a new life that doesn't have that kind of madness and pressure in it he is free to. If he doesn't choose to do that, if he chooses to go down the path of blame, or addiction, that's his choice.

Sounds like the LW needs to redraw her boundaries and get clear on what she is responsible for and what she's not responsible for. She is not, and never was, responsible for what happened to her ex after she broke up with him. It's also her choice to break up with whoever she wants for whatever reasons she wants - irresponsible or selfish or not. No one owns us - well, our children do in a sense up to a certain age - but no one else, and most certainly not a man.

LW your problems are on the verge of getting a WHOLE LOT worse. Get out now. Finish this. And move on.

This is fascinating stuff. Women are meant to be the ones who want relationships, men the ones who have to be dragged kicking and screaming into participating. So what happens when women don't?

I don't have a ready answer. I don't know - I honestly don't - if I think it's okay for a woman to give up on relationships or not. Oh, and of course by relationships I only mean sexual ones. It's not as though she doesn't have plenty of successful, functioning and fulfilling relationships already. But ... but what? Why not embrace happy singledom? In so many ways I can see the advantages.

The point I am clear on, though, is this: actively looking is different from being open to someone that might pop up, out of nowhere, and get under your skin. Even if the LW gives up on actively looking, could she still have just a little corner of her heart that would be receptive if the right person did just happen along? I hope so. And in that case, while I think she should happily let go of any need to 'date', she might find it useful, now and again, to reflect on her negative attitudes about men and, slowly, and lovingly, change them. Look for the qualities in the men around her that are good and beautiful. Praise them (inwardly). Listen out for stories about nice men. Be pleased about the existence of men who are different from your ex and who - most definitely - are out there.

This is not only important for her to do for herself, but for her kids, who may well inadvertently pick up on her negative attitude.