This is just the awful awful truth and while a kid is a baby you can pretend otherwise but then they grow into their own people (as opposed to genius reflections of you) and this is why everyone hates teenagers. WHAT A DISAPPOINTMENT! Not the accessory one had in mind ...

There was an article here on Salon a while ago that rang true for me and the 'wisdom' handed down to me by my elders: that children are fifty per cent a combination of their parents and then fifty per cent some mystical ingredient that is just ... themself. Amazing stories of twins separated at birth and growing up in completely different environments yet ending up in a very similar place bore this out, along with a whole lot of other research. Nurture seems to have very little to do with a lot of qualities like 'loving reading' or 'musical ability'. Of course if you deprive a child or abuse them there'll be a negative impact, but this was referring to the 'added value' of extra activities, reading to them constantly etc.

The only thing you can do as a parent said this researcher, was to make the most of your childs' time living with you to find things you enjoy doing together, and to build up a lot of love and trust and happy memories, as this will stand them in good stead emotionally, and be something that will contribute to an ongoing good relationship when they are adults. Everything else is not up to you.

I like this advice and I stand behind it. How can I take responsibility for my child's smarts or lack of them? How can I not become some awful kind of harridan always at him to improve himself if I think it's up to me to make him grow?

As a parent I see myself as the soil he needs to grow in. I provide nurturing, love, total belief in him, and a comfortable, mostly happy, home. Other than that I try to find things to do together that we both enjoy - which right now is swimming (no matter HOW freezing the weather - actually that's all his choice, not mine!), and eating cake in cafes. This means we have a great time together and we both feel great about ourselves.

Maybe he hasn't said those words because the LW is telling him too. She's even cried in front of him trying to get him to say it! But anyway, it's not the words that count, it's the feeling, and the words don't prove the feeling anyway.

As a Non American I always cringe at the part in movies where people say 'love you' at the end of phone calls and at the drop of a hat. For me that would be insincere and needy. Sickly sweet and cloying. Maybe the boyfriend feels that way about it too. Or maybe he's never said those words and wants to be very clear that he's doing it because he means it when he does.

Overall I think it's a GOOD thing that the guy isn't just saying it because his girlfriend is telling him too. He obviously thinks his words are important and worth something. It makes it more likely that when he does say it will be for real.

Until then I advise the LW to look at what he DOES, not what he says. That will tell her if he loves her or not, more than any words.

Maybe it's time for the LW to fully face up to how artificial and fundamentally not real the her whole relationship with this man was. I doubt she could help cast light on the truth of his suicide in any way. Although it's very Freudian to believe that someone's authentic self resides in their secret and sexual life I tend to think it's more often the other way around: one's actions and choices reveal the real person. One's sexual fantasies and 'make believe' relationships are usually escapism and entertainment rather than anything fundamentally revealing.

And here comes the proviso: unless of course they're doing illegal and reprehensible things in their fantasy lives and then of course they're criminal - along with a whole lot of other adjectives.

The LW is putting herself on a level with the widow, whereas in reality the LW was merely part of the 'virtual' side of his life. His wife was a major part of his 'real' life. There is a world of difference between the two, and the real pain and right to privacy belongs all to her and his other loved ones in the real world.

I also wonder if the LW isn't overestimating her role in his life full stop. This guy sounds like a player. I suspect he had many relationships on line and was capable of making all his partners in that online world feel 'special'. It sounds as though he was quite messed up and the relationship he had with the LW was just a symptom.

I agree with Spankerton. These people in the pictures are NOT FAT. They just don't look conspicuously skinny.

The obesity epidemic is fuelled (ha ha) by completely unregulated food and food advertising industries, a lack of safe outdoor places and activities for young people, and the rising costs of healthy food (including scarce time for preparation). Picking on individuals won't help anyone. It never has, and it never will. So why is everyone doing it? Because bullying for a lot of people is fun I guess. But for me I judge the bully, and I don't forget it, either. Not to mention which, 'fat' just starts being another word for 'poor'. It's no accident that the fattest and unhealthiest of us are the least privileged. So lay off picking on individual fat people and start picking on the glaring societal problems that are contributing to adn creating this epidemic in the first place.