I second those who say it's unlikely your professional reputation will suffer because you've given someone a stumbling recommendation.

I also think you must be quite a stickler to be so bothered by this, and also to label it 'nepotism' in the first place that has got this obviously struggling young person their first try at a 'proper' job.

I know from personal experience that you need relatives and friends - and the occasional kind stranger - to help you out at the beginning. It's not nepotism, it's just lending someone a hand. He wasn't elected to the Board. He hasn't been given the Presidency of the country. (You're not going to rent him shoes, dude.) And he left after a short time.

Now he's trying to get work on his own merits for real. That's laudable. He's risking failure and rejection. That's courageous. (Seriously, I know a heap of privileged kids who have NEVER subjected themselves to a job interview.)

Do you believe he can't improve? Do you believe he'll never be any good at anything? That would be harsh if you did and I'd say then that you couldn't give him a reference. But what about focussing on the positive? eg he tries hard. He wants to improve.

I know you can be honest about someone while also being encouraging and optimistic. And I know this does more good than harm.

I suggest you tell the young man in question that he needs to forewarn you of phone calls, and also needs to list you as a colleague rather than a supervisor. Then, if/when you get the call, be upfront but positive. Where it goes from there is not your problem.

LW I think you should tell your sister you're disappointed in her and that you can't keep her secrets any more. They're too toxic.

The whole thing about her keeping it a secret is that it can also in a crazy way keep what she's doing a secret from herself. In that if it's never public then she's never accountable. If she's never accountable then it's like it's never happened ... except of course that she is losing years of her life and seriously hurting a woman and children she doesn't know.

I hate to say it but I think in part she's confided in you because she doesn't respect you as much as she does your sister and her mother. Therefore their judgement might prove to be unbearable, or at least deeply uncomfortable in a way that yours isn't.

I think it's time to lift the lid and at least tell your sister what you think. Let her know you're done keeping her secrets and next time it comes up with your mother or your other sister, go ahead and tell. This secret needs to encounter the clear, and deadly, light of day.

Mothers are not nearly as different from one another as all these labels make it seem. And what is the investment in creating all these differences anyway? I remember in parenting class I was treated like a pariah because I was choosing to have an epidural. Same with breastfeeding versus the bottle. What is with the fetishisation of these differences between women when in fact the overwhelming reality is that the main activity is the same - in this case, giving birth, nurturing an infant, raising a child and earning a living.

So to the so called 'mommy wars' - are the choices we would like to make really that different? I think overall most mothers want the same things. What's relevant to public discourse, as the author points out here, are the institutional barriers and inducements that make it too hard for too many, children as well as parents.

The discourses on mothering prevalent at the moment not only individualise choices that are in fact created institutionally, they create false divisions and treat mothering like just another 'lifestyle' where your choices define you like the car you drive or the brand of shoes you wear.

But this is real. For most people work is hard. Raising a child is hard. It's not a question of lifestyles, it's a question of competing necessities. Motherhood is not like choosing what brand of shoe to wear. There are forces at work dictating a lot of our so-called 'choices' that are neither good for ourselves or our children, or the society at large. Until we start recognising this and discussing these issues in terms of public policy these discussion will never go anywhere.

Let's drop all talk of 'wars' and start focusing on what we have and what we want in common.