Of course your wife is shocked. And devastated no doubt, and humiliated and feeling really really burnt. It's completely normal for married couples to go through dry spells sexually. It wouldn't occur to me that my husband was gay because of it. And gay porn, shmay porn ... why would she necessarily have read anything into that? It sounds like to me you're trying to shirk some of the responsibility for the choices and realisations about yourself that you're now making, which is always a bad idea. Leave your poor wife out of it. She's definitely the victim in this situation because you led her to believe you wanted and were one thing - a straight man who wanted to be her husband - and now you're saying you are something very different.

Regarding your son - I think a time is coming when men's decisions to tailor their life's choices around making their children's wellbeing their priority will be celebrated as much as living in accordance with your self realisations is now. I hope that you can find a way to be true to your identity as a gay man while remaining a committed father and as much as possible a support and a friend to your ex wife.

I would be REALLY careful not to shock or anger your wife too much for the next while because a lot of decisions about your sons life are going to be made on the basis of it. She may try to use your 'lifestyle' against you if she's pissed off enough, and in some places that alone would be enough to cut you out of his life if she saw fit to. If I were you i would tread very very carefully. Keep your love life as much out of the picture for a while as you can.

I hope you can come to an arrangement where you share custody of your son. He needs you and whether or not your wife can see it you have as much to give him as ever. Perhaps more even if you can demonstrate that being true to yourself leads to a generous and loving life.

Some people just can't stop courting challenges. New language? tick. New country? tick. Uni degree in that new language? tick. Jobs/citizenship/social life ... tick tick tick. But life doesn't have to be so hard all the time, and it seems to me the letter writer just can't stop with the enormous challenges. I say: you've DONE the hard stuff, now it's time to settle down, expand in other ways instead of conquering new territory and let life get richer for you. Carefully consider if you want to stay in Sweden for the rest of your career/life. If you do then that's great because you've established yourself now, you've done the hard yards and it's now possible to really settle in and make yourself at home. Alternatively, if you really think you want to be in the US then make a commitment to moving there and settling down there. And again, once you've put down roots give yourself the chance to reap the benefits.

Some people - including close family of mine - just can't stop conquering HUGE mountains (of which I would count moving countries, learning new languages, getting new jobs, surviving breakups) and it sounds like perhaps you are one of these people. Addicted to the hard yards. But there's so much more life has to offer on easy street and I really hope you decide to amble down that road for a while and see where it takes you. Perhaps now that you're getting over that break up you're feeling the absence of stress and looking to see where the next big dose of it should come from.

First of all though, before you make any big decisions, I think you should take a trip to the US on a holiday and test out how you feel about it. You may find the US incredibly crass and cruel after Sweden. Alternatively you may find it refreshingly individualistic and youthful. Force yourself to think specifically about exactly where you would live. Visit that place - does it feel good? Listen to your heart.

And I know what you mean about the winters in northern Europe - but there are ways around that too if you do decide to stay on in Sweden. Decide to take an annual holiday during the darkest time of year to somewhere brilliantly sunny - I used to go to Goa, India on a cheap package holiday every February when I lived in London. It really helped. Buy a special light that you stare into for half an hour a day - it works! Get into sauna and swimming and winter sports. Instal mega watt lighting in your home. It all helps.