I was once close friends with a guy in his fifties who went out with the manager of a brothel - a 'madam'. They were friendly with many of the sex workers in that brothel. A lot of them were students or artists trying to fund their dreams. He said every one of them seemed to have a fucked up private life, and he, and they, were sure it was because of their jobs. He said a number of them told him over the years that they lost something doing sex work that they could never back. A sense of innocence maybe? The ability to romanticise sex and men?

Anyway. LW, by the sounds of it you haven't been sexually molested or raped as a child or any of those awful crimes that steal a woman's sexual sense of herself. ie it is still in tact. So don't mess around with it! Why are you putting it up for sale?

Sure, SOME women are sufficiently self knowing and confident and whatever to reconcile sex work with the rest of their life and their future. But I think these women are rare. The rest become tainted - or they feel that way anyway.

In describing your life it just doesn't sound justified to put your sexual self up for sale. Sell the house before you sell that.

BTW, that fear that you felt when that guy left your house? Why would you even consider feeling that way again just for money? You're not starving. You're not homeless. You have a lot of assets and opportunities. I think you're lacking in self esteem to even consider that you should do this.

to love, to peace, happiness and a sound mind. I just wanted to affirm that for the LW because it sounds like on some days she thinks she doesn't. The great thing is that even when she doesn't think she has a RIGHT to it, she already HAS it. She's got a home she loves, a partner she loves, and healthy children that she loves. Work is going well by the sound of it and finances are good. So all the big issues are covered. This little problem that she has of how much to divulge is a good problem to have. Even when people find out - and they will - and people are screaming - and maybe they will - it doesn't change the facts of the situation, which are all good. Don't let other people make too big a deal about it.

'Eat and let eat' is this guys' message? And he wrote a whole book on that? Isn't that the status quo now? And aren't we seeing environmental and health costs soaring as a result?

Voltaire got it right when he said he who forgives everything, understands nothing.

I've always had a few friends who were in exactly the LWs position. And so I've spent a lot of time analysing WHY. When they're such great, beautiful, lovely amazing women blah blah blah. I've come to a few conclusions: that a woman who is educated and well off is already pricing herself out of a lot of markets, especially if she still wants to 'marry up' as the saying so charmingly goes. The more upwardly socially mobile a woman is the more prepared she should be to form a partnership with a man of lower social status if she wants to have a chance at intimacy and happiness. That means considering blue collar guys, guys who might be fatter, or shorter, or less educated. Focusing on love, respect and intimacy as the only worthwhile considerations really helps I think.

Other than that I agree with the LW that there's something wrong. I don't think it's just luck because there are a lot of lonely people out there who would love to be in a relationship too. I don't think she sounds arrogant in the slightest, and it's ridiculous to insist that marriages have nothing to do with social status exchange.

I really agree with Cary's advice. It seems that people who attract partners want to 'get into it' emotionally. They prefer to be with someone else, even if it's terrible. It's where they learn. Where they're willing to risk themselves. They're up for intimacy. And so they're the kind of people other people find they need and want to be with. They get under your skin and they're willing for you to get under theirs. They're personal. They have opinions about you - the emotional you - even if it's none of their business. They're loving and they want love back.

Finally, I think transactional analysis has a lot to contribute in changing your status with other people. There's obviously something that doesn't attract people in the way you handle interactions now, and that can be changed. eg you could act more like the child in any given situation and make someone else be the adult. You could give more strokes, and make it clear you want to receive more. It's startling how quickly you can change your experience socially when you take the time to examine the roles you do play and experiment a little bit. There are lots of books and groups on this.

Anonymous, that's interesting - and I can believe it. So many men I know wouldn't hesitate to ask a beautiful woman out - it's just what they think they deserve.

Domini, transactional analysis is not game playing - it just brings the games we all already do play to consciousness and gives us the choice and the tools to alter them if want to. Men and women play roles for one another, and the LW wants to change her role - there's no shame in that. Neither is giving love to get it.