I really identify with the LW in this instance, and I think Cary's advice is spot on. I so identify in fact that as I read Cary's advice I had a little mini movie going in my mind like this:

LW breaks off relationship. Adam realises what LW means to him. Ends marriage with wife on own initiative. Turns up at LWs house and they live happy ever after.

End of movie, back to reality: An alternative scenario - LW could suggest having dinner with Adam AND wife and to keep an open mind until she sees how that goes. Sure it would change the dynamic but it might also declaw it of any threat. By bringing the relationship into Adam's domestic reality things will be cleared up quickly one way or another. The illusion of an illicit intimacy that's so enjoyable online will be shattered and you can see if there's anything left.

Note of caution: it would be important to respect Adam's boundaries by being careful not to allude to your great intimacy over the past seven years at the dinner. 'Old friends' would cover it, and by being attentive to the wife and open to liking her you'd be making it clear to Adam and her that you intended no threat.

If that didn't work though I don't think the relationship has an 'in person' future. And besides, as Cary I think is hinting, it sounds like you would like to be in a relationship - with Adam at least, and by putting the kind of hours and intensity into this virtual relationship with Adam you may well be limiting the possibilities of creating a 'real world' relationship for yourself.

Good luck in your new job, new life and new city.

Oh letter writer I know whereof you speak. And agree with all others on the following:

- understand that you are torturing yourself.

- understand that you don't deserve this.

- seek therapy

Practical steps can change this bad habit you are in. Life will be SO MUCH BETTER when you have found a route around this self destroying crap.

I particularly agreed with Jen's letter.

Final tip: 'Come out' about this problem to friends. Phone the ones you have not phoned for too long and tell them about it. They'll forgive you. They're just bewildered right now and probably reading something into nothing. So tell them about the nothing. Good friends are waaaaay too precious to lose over crap like this. And if you can't get round to phoning then email them. Something like:

Dear x,

Just want you to know I'm thinking of you. Sorry I haven't been in touch. I'm dealing with a near fatal case of procrastination and deferring gratification. Seriuosly. I'm thinking of getting help for this. In the meantime I wish I'd been in touch sooner and I hope you haven't found it weird.

All the best, your friend,

LW

This could be me and my family! The grudges have run deep and poisonous for generations. eg my wealthy great grandmother left her daughter, my grandmother, out of her will and instead left her property to her two grandaughters (one of them being my mother). When they went to sell her property however it turned out she had, in the last decade of her life, developed a gambling addiction and nearly all of it was gone. My mother didn't speak to her mother very often once she'd left home, and I continue the proud tradition - inconsistently as fits of blind optimism and love overcome me at times and I visit and exchange gifts until ... drumroll please ... I get A Letter. These letters are filled with vitriol, fantasy and lies unto the seventh generation. I used to be upset by them but now I understand that my mother gets very nervous when we're getting along. It probably feels unnatural as, in our family, easy warmth and intimacy between a mother and daughter most surely is. The last letter I got along those lines I ripped up and posted back to her within fifteen minutes of receiving it. That was seven months ago and I'm pleased to report I haven't had another such letter since. Any I get though will be sent back in exactly the same way. Hopefully this will get the message across in a way that explanation and pleading hasn't ever. It certainly must decrease her vengeful pleasure in writing it to be picturing it coming right back at her in pieces.

For my part I have never sent a negative letter to anyone and never will. I choose to express anger and disappointment in person or if that's not possible on the phone. The written word lasts too long and discourages dialogue and movement - both of which I want if I'm upset by someone.

As for some advice for the LW, besides 'I share your pain', it's this: congratulations on getting far enough away to have made a life you're happy with. Try to understand how much your success must threaten and piss off your grandma. My explanation for these generational female grudge matches tends along the lines of 'my life as a woman was terrible, so should yours be!'. It's also self destructive and internalised anger, rage and disappointment. If your grandma is anything like my mother she probably finds it hard to distinguish between herself and her daughter and grandaughter. In some psychic way she thinks you're all the same person, and therefore she has a right to criticise and blame. Finally, as hard as she is on you I bet she is exactly as horrible, if not more so, to herself. Cold comfort, huh.