Dear Carol H, thanks for giving me such a measured and courteous response when I was somewhat aggressive in my tone. I admire you for it. And take on all your points. I guess the point about how one thinks about the birth mother of the adopted child come in the 'metaphysical basket' as another poster has put it. It's like the narrative of a romantic relationship - are you together for convenience, or was it 'meant to be'. Did God bring the two of you together, destiny maybe? or was it just luck? A child brings up all these issues and how we answer them goes right to the heart of our outlook on life. I think I have a strong need to feel that the people in my life were 'meant' to be there, and this is limitless in its extent. So, for eg, if I adopted a child I would certainly need to feel that we were 'meant to be'. Just as I feel this way about my friends and husband. But I accept what you say about the sadness of the birth mother giving up her child - or losing her child.

I agree with what another poster has said about the racial issue being 'a wash'. The whole topic of children without parents, without homes, without love, is an unbearably painful one to most people which is why most people prefer not to think about it. International adoption brings the topic up and so all the pain that people are repressing about it erupts all over the people adopting. But these people are NOT part of the problem, they're solving the micro problem of a child in an institution needing a family. The macro problems that lead to this situation are beyond the reach of one family to solve, and they cannot be held responsible for them. And nor should a child in need of a home be held responsible for them either. Whether or not it would be 'best' for them to stay in their country of birth etc they shouldn't be made into sacrifices when the 'best' situation is so far out of their reach.

Finally, adoption 'villages' seem like a good idea to me and I'm sure local communities are doing well out of it.

People's motives for having children, just like anything else they do are mostly unfathomable. I agree with the poster who says they see a family with five biological kids and wonder about it. I just don't get it - but I'm sure they just don't 'get' me. What I find wonderful is how, in most cases, people do the best for their children, and go way beyond the call of duty in loving them and providing for them. And that, in the end, is the slam dunk in this whole topic of adoption. Hoewever the situation came about, and whatever its ultimate answer will be, there are children who need families finding families who need children, and that's a beautiful, miraculous and wonderful thing.

My ten month old son had just been (mis)diagnosed with Autism and I was sitting in his room on the floor while my husband gave him his nighttime bottle. I was feeling the utmost despair, terror, bewilderment ... My son suddenly sat up, turned to me, reached out his arms and threw himself forward. He put his arms around my neck and hugged me close, long and hard, nuzzling his head into my neck. (He had never done that before.)I felt the most enormous sense of comfort coming from him. I know he was comforting me.

I wish I would have trusted that moment more, in which it was blindingly obvious nothing was amiss with our son. Instead I went through many more months of worry before the truth - that all was just fine - reasserted itself. I'll never, ever forget that moment.

... and I think the best thing is to drop the B-bomb (as someone else so aptly put it) asap, BEFORE lunch. It just saves embarrassment or false expectations right from the start. Also a good idea to work out what you hope for from the friendship and pursue that, as the guy may feel a little awkward once he finds out you're engaged. eg 'I'd love to come. I've been really missing my friends, boyfriend, family etc back home and it will be great to go out to lunch.' ie make it clear that you're keen to be friends and make the second and third moves if necessary.