Susan wrote that as a woman she will never belong with the 'brothers' because she'll always be a hated 'sister'. I know exactly what she means. And this is how racism works as well. That 'the group' in part defines itself AGAINST femininity for example. By sharing a joke about how fuckable a woman is the group coheres, the men all feel much more 'manly' and that in itself is a pleasurable feeling. Too bad that it is at someone's expense. Much like anti semitism can bring people closer together, or other kinds of racism. The fireside can be a much cosier place if you're all huddled together with your back to the loser shivering by the wall.

I was recently at a social dinner for Global Opinion Leaders (the capital letters theirs) in the area of cardiovascalar medicine. They were all men. I was there as a public relations project manager, and my three colleagues and I were all women. So. It was the male doctors, the 'experts', and the female public relations professionals, socially facilitating the event. They had all recently been to a forum at which a female Global Opinion Leader had been outspoken about her opinions, and at the dinner that night they began to quietly laugh at her. Not that she said anything funny. The unspoken assumption was that simply being a woman with opinions was in itself a funny thing. And they all shared a happy ten minutes joining togehter in the joke.

I had never felt so lonely. Not only because it became clear how difficult it was and would be for a woman to excel in this environment, but also how confident they all felt in my collusion. Not only were they saying how silly this woman doctor was for having opinions and talking about them. They were also putting me in my place, and praising me with their courtesy for knowing my place and staying in it. They felt no compunction about laughing at woman in front of me, no doubt becuase they assumed I would agree. I found that the saddest thing of all.

Women face a terrible burden when, just by being a woman, they are the butt of all the jokes, the mechanism by which the rest of the group joins together in unity against her. But the more women who make it through the hostility and claw their way into these male bastions the less this will happen. In the meantime it's important to be as supportive of minorities in these bastions of privilege and homogeneity as possible.

Life is so full of opportunities, and choices. It's impossible to take them all. It's natural to feel sadness and regret sometimes at the roads not taken. However I think the author is doing herself a real disservice by not taking full responsibility for the choices she has made. When she had a termination at 23 she was doing the best she could do with what she knew at the time. Just as, if she'd had the baby then she would have had to do the best she could in that situation with what she knew at the time as well.

Furthermore, to my mind the decision to bring a child into the world is ideally made by both parents. If the prospective father doesn't want to have a child then that should be given weight and respect by the prospective mother in making her decision whether to terminate the pregnancy or not.

>It is wildly inappropriate for anyone (except perhaps a medical doctor, if the situation warrants it) to suggest a woman have an abortion. The most the woman's sexual partner (or her parents, her friends, her psychologist) gets to do is be supportive of her decision.

What a shame, then, when the child is born and the father's feelings have not been taken into account. This letter reveals the level of participation expected of men generally in the areas of contraception, reproduction and parenthood, and generally it's no where near enough.

The woman's sexual partner will be required to do a great deal more than merely be supportive of the mother, for their lifetime, if they have a child. So it would be best for all concerned if they were to consult their real feelings about the issue and communicate them as sensitively, yet as clearly, as they can, while there is still a choice to be made.

See, I don't see this as particularly an issue about a mother, or a father. I see it as primarily an issue about a child. A child who has the right to be loved, to be wanted, and to be taken care of. A child who will need to know who their father is, and who will have to deal with the circumstances of their birth.

If a man is just not up for doing that then a good mother has got to take that into account. Not necessarily as the all deciding factor, but, certainly, it's a very important one.

The 'missing fathers' in our culture are legion. It's time to start problematising that. And they're missing right from the start.