One more time: "Fertility is a joint responsibility."

It's stunning, the vitrol thrown at the LW, who is obviously in a crisis. I noticed one respondent who likes to talk about weight watchers and horsies (giddyup!) decided to rail on her, calling her a "terrible role model" and judging her like we were in Salem during the witch hunt. She "trapped" her husband? Please honey, he knew about the birds and the bees. He's a big boy now!

If you have a problem with the population of this planet we share, find another forum and get to work instead of standing on this woman's suffering, using it as your soapbox. How cruel you are to kick someone when they are down.

LW,

I know what you are saying. There is a lot of pressure to perform and do amazing things with your time. It can be scary and confusing thinking about how to be out on your own, which in your case means cutting some ties with parents who enable you to glide. I don't suggest jumping without some kind of net though. I've done that many times and it kind of hurts when your bum hits that pavement. So, as Cary said, finish the school, ride it all out and then get out of dodge.

The world is wide open.

LW,

Your optimism and self-satisfaction seems quite smug. It doesn't ring true that you are so fine and your family is so messed up. With your children, you'll only get one chance. It's a partnership, get to work buddy!

Cary,

I don't put people in boxes because they never fit. I like that you are exploring new ways to write an advice column and book because it is interesting. Good for you.

Begrudgers,

Get your own gig, you sound bitter and shrill.

If you think Cary Tennis has time to construct and develop the character of counterfeit letter writers, then you are the novelist.

It's not very creative or original and I don't know if your idea of an advice columnist faking letters would sell, but good luck. I'll be sure to look for you, assuming you use a pen name.

Joan Jett said it best years ago:

"Girls have balls, they are just a little higher up."

"Are you a pod person?"

I will be using that line today without hesitation.

Timbuktom said something good, so I want to start a reply with it:

"US Marines are Okay

They are young guys who want to fall in love. Keep your friend away from Foreign Legionnaires."

Can I add rock stars, unhappy spouses, addicts, predators, etc?

Throughout history, the list goes on. People do dumb things. It's just a fact that everywhere you go there are people who cheat and disrespect their bodies and those around them. Is this news? People seem so shocked... or they say Cary makes it up. They obviously know nothing about Cary or his writing outside of this one job on Salon, but again, great imagination.

This letter seems like a fairly normal 20-something to me actually. Admittedly it is troubling that Jan isn't respecting herself, sticking with her friends in the evenings, and of course there is a lack of protection. There is no need to escalate this for her, she'll do it herself or she'll come around and realize she is making mistakes. She may need some help, but if an adult chooses to have unprotected sex, it's not your job to rescue everyone involved. The BF probably knows it isn't right and since you don't know him, you can't make assumptions. Who really knows? He could be doing the same thing. He is not your responsibility. It's not espionage, relationships are complicated in different ways.

"We think she's out of control" means you've been talking about her but not enough to her. Even though she'll probably say again that she doesn't want to talk about it or have some other tick, you can be persistent. Heck, you care enough to send a letter to a public forum so we can all ruminate and discuss. Certainly your goal isn't to humiliate her into change.

Go to your friend. Stage your intervention but don't flinch if she resists and gets defensive, because it is likely. Tell her you see destruction and danger in her future and express your concerns, completely. When Cary brought up the idea of trauma, perhaps he was also suggesting that she has had some situations in her life that have caused her to act like this. Abuse? Fear? It's not productive to speculate, but here is what you can do:

Focus on loving your friend, not policing her. Good luck!