I agree with the above posters that it would be helpful to at least acknowledge that the whole "boys want sex and girls don't" is too simplistic. I remember some very awkward experiences with my first boyfriend when he *didn't* want to have sex -- I was uttlerly bewildered and assumed there was something hideous about me. While girls pressuring boys into sex may not be an overwhelming problem, by focusing exclusively on boys wanting sex more than girls, we only reinforce rigid gender roles and fail to educate teenagers about the complexity of relationship dynamics.

I think we should use this law to apply to people who like to touch pregnant women's bellies without asking -- hey, you poke it, you own it!

I think a lot of the debate around fighting/not-fighting stems from our ongoing uncertainty about how to define a successful relationship and how to know when we're in one. I am not surprised that LW's friends criticize her for not fighting more with her spouse; if any of them are in argument-heavy relationships, her peaceful co-existence must seem like an indictment of their own marriages. If LW is doing it right, then they must be doing it wrong. On the other side, it seems natural for LW to be concerned about her own relationship; if she and her husband don't fight like other couples do, does that mean they have no passion? Are they repressing the real issues? She probably feels that if her fighting friends are doing it right, then she must be doing it wrong.

I think it's important to recognize the multiple ways to define success in a relationship -- some of us are naturally more even-tempered than others, and some of us have more highs and lows that are reflected in our relationships. Just because one method works it doesn't mean the other method is dysfunctional -- it's not a zero sum equation.

I think a lot of this discussion around what men like, how men behave, what men's motives are (and the same for women) can be boiled down to a fairly simple observation about the difficulty of interpersonal relationships: most people don't like confrontation, don't like to hurt other people's feelings, and find it uncomfortable to express themselves when it might upset someone.

It's too easy to call this guy a wimp for not letting LW know during their weekend visit that he didn't want to pursue anything romantic with her -- does anyone really leap at the chance to have that conversation? Consider too that he had a whole 48 hours to spend with her -- would you relish spending an entire weekend with someone you had just rejected? Having to disappoint someone is an inherently awkward, tricky prospect -- while he didn't handle it as well as he could have, I have sympathy for his position as well as hers.

It seems to me what LW really wants is for Cary to tell her that this missed connection is not her fault, that something is wrong with him since if he isn't at fault, she must be. But it's not a zero-sum equation; he, for whatever ultimately unknowable reason, did not want to pursue anything romantic with her. It's no comment on her worth, nor on his. It just didn't work out. There are no answers to be found here, just the ever-mysterious nature of relationships.

What jumped out at me most from this letter was when LW described that she didn't want to be one of "those gals" who wonders where things are going, and that she is hesitant to give an ultimatum because it's "unattractive." I sympathize with her desire not to be "that woman" -- that demanding, shrewish woman who will drive men away with her desperate need for commitment and of course end up bitter and alone. It's easy to bend over backwards so as not to live up to this stereotype, and just as easy in the process to forget that you still have the right to express your feelings and desires, no matter how "unattractive" they are.

If LW wants a commitment, she doesn't have to hide it, though she doesn't have to offer an ultimatum either. If her boyfriend has encroached too much on her life for her comfort level given his reservations about serious relationships, it's okay for her to say so. Instead of worrying about being "that woman," LW should spend some time thinking about where her boundaries are and what she really needs from her boyfriend. Then, she can open up a thoughtful discussion with him; if he respects her feelings and is willing to talk things over, that seems to me like a step in the right direction.

I think Cary's response and many of these letters have missed the central issue of LW's problem. It's not about whether her husband still has feelings for his ex -- many people keep mementos of past relationships, and it sounds like he is only in sporadic touch with this "other woman." And it's not about the ex as some kind of she-demon who is hell-bent on destroying this marriage at any cost -- most likely she has her own life to worry about and is not overly concerned about her married ex-boyfriend.

The key issue is that LW has expressed to her husband that she is uncomfortable with the presence of the ex in their lives, and he has chosen to disregard her feelings. Not only do his actions exhibit a profound disrespect for his wife, but his "you can't tell me what to do!" attitude is disturbingly childish. When one spouse expresses her feelings and is met with "don't fence me in, don't try to change me," it doesn't bode well for the future of the relationship. I hope that LW will choose to address these more fundamental issues of respect and compromise rather than engaging in a battle over the ex-girlfriend that will only make her seem jealous and hysterical as well as distract from the core problem.