Letters to the Editor
June Brockwell
Published Letters: 9 Editor's Choice: 1
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boundaries, communication, working together, everyone taking responsibility for their own baggage.
[Read the article: My wife thinks I'm cheating on her -- but I'm not!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]1.LW, I'm sorry for all the grief you're going through. Since you aren't cheating on her, I wonder what would happen if you put the solution to the problem on both of your shoulders. For example: Sweetie, I love you, and trust you, and want to be in a relationship where my partner offers me that same respect. So I think we need to figure this out. Imagine that I am not cheating. Imagine that it is very hard for me to hear you accusing me of cheating. Imagine that it could hurt our relationship. What should we do about this, because we are in this together.
The thing is, you don't know what, if anything, would calm those fears in her head. But she's got to be the one to tell you-you can't second guess it. And she's got to seek the help she needs, realize that your relationship is worth the effort. You've just got to identify your own boundaries. What can you live and not live with in terms of behavior? Can you tell her this and set those boundaries? So, in sum: boundaries, communication, working together, everyone taking responsibility for their own baggage.
2. Folks, sometimes Cary knocks it out the park, sometimes the ball just kind of plops. But It's all part of the lovely thing we have going here, and so are we all - offering our advice to this probably nice LW who wrote in because he wanted to hear other perspectives in the topic. In fact, now that I think about it, perhaps commenters who get all disrespectful towards Cary for being Cary (He's waxing longwinded philosophical! He's f**king wrong! My advice is soooo much better than his, Salon, when *will* you see that?) are an important part of it too.
The thing is, I don't think Cary needs to be *right* (whatever that means) 100% of the time. I think he gives his perspective, I give mine, you give yours, and this fellow thousands of miles away hopefully gets picture of the many ways he could view this and feels a little bit more like he's part of a community, asking for advice from a columnist he reads and a commenting community he's probably been part of for a while.
And you know, I can dig it.
June
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Could ya bring one order of compassion to table 3, please?
[Read the article: I get grossed out when I hear, "I'm a mom!"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Perhaps you could try respecting the women you meet for who they are, rather than get all holier than thou on them for not identifying themselves the way you want them to.
Perhaps you could imagine that they designate the term 'mom' as short hard for so much in their life that frankly, perhaps they don't have the energy to tell you right now....teachers, caregivers, shoe-tiers, problem solvers, all approached from their own literary/spiritual/sporty ways of being in the world.
Perhaps you could could be a little less dismissive of women who like to peal out a giggle now and then.
I'm not a mom, and the way it's looking, I probably will never be one. But if some woman out there wants to identify herself to me as such, or even perhaps define herself as such, I think she should go on ahead with her bad self and do so. Good for her for having a choice and choosing what makes her happy.
In short, to your question: Who cares that you're a mom? What else do you bring to the table?
The answer is: You do, apparently. A lot. And why do your friends have to "bring something to the table", anyway - other than a kind heart, a listening ear, and a willingness to let their friend be who they are, and how they are, in that moment?
Who makes demands like that on their friends?
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Key Master/Gate Keeper. (Can't resist the Ghostbusters theme)
[Read the article: My boyfriend won't give me his apartment key]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW,
I'm sorry he didn't give you the key. Lots of women have been in situations where he didn't share the key, and it can feel maddening.
Sometimes it takes a while to realize that it's not you- it's not that your argument isn't convincing (here are 3 good reasons why I should get the key/all my friends just got keys, why is this such an issue for you?), or well phrased enough (maybe if I say this another way,you'll understand), or that you caught him at a bad time, or somehow you are in some way undeserving of the key,etc.
It also doesn't mean he doesn't have other fine qualities - perhaps he's the best person you've dated so far in your life, and how would we know?
But I think what you're reading in these letters is something fundamental about the people who love us: that they try to make our lives sweeter, easier, as long as it doesn't betray some core value.
They want to let us into their lives - so even if it's something as tacky as "I have amazing amounts of porn I don't want to share with you (yet)" - they put out 15 bucks for a cheap locked box that you can't get at, and then they give you the key. They put passwords on their computers. Sometimes they share the problem (my last girlfriend was stealing money from me and I don't feel comfortable giving up the key). But the point is, zillions of couples have dealt with this, with, well, doing something.
Somehow this person doesn't seem willing or able to do this for you. And you are deserving of it. All of us are. You know that, right?
There are men who are key givers that in this world. They open the gate. They invite you in. They give you the key.
Whether you keep this one in your life or not, please consider spending some time finding one of those men. It's totally, totally worth it.
June
PS: Loving the response today, Cary.