Letters to the Editor
Ijon Tichy
Published Letters: 452 Editor's Choice: 69
-
Dear Mr. Dennehey
[Read the article: A shake-up in the McCain campaign]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]It's not me, it's you. Sure I thought you were all that when I met you and you promised me the Rose Garden, but I've grown since then and you just don't understand the real me. Well, I've met a new man and he understands me like you never did. He doesn't embarrass me in front of other people with drunken claims I am so unstable and should sober up and be more honest and sensible. How can you possible understand sense or honesty when the world is on fire and I am the flame inside it.
But that was never enough for you. You wanted me to lose my friends. You told me George Bush and Karl Rove were not my friends. I now realize, after a wonderful evening with them over a long long glass of thorazine, that it was you with the issue. You just didn't want me to have friends.
Sure, George and Karl beat me like a senile mule back in South Carolina in 2000, but that was only because they loved me. You could never understand true love. True love hurts, Mr. Dennehey and we must suffer for our love. I know GWB and Mr. Karl, Mr. beautiful Karl, love me and only me. We only hurt the one's we love, Mr. Dennehey, and their love, is so great for all it's pain.
I know you'll never understand, how could you when you never truly understood me, and I just can't forgive you now for your
"Straight Talk Express" bus idea. You said "Serving the people whould show me to be true." But how can I be true to little people when they are not true to my own dreams. George and Karl, real men with real strong arms and buxom torsos were true to me, not you. They told me people were not to be trusted just used and exploited; same way they 'exploited me' as I succcombed to their warm heard blandishments.
I know you'll never understand, just as I can't quite understand why my true love George and Karl won't be their for me, but I guess one day soon when I am president I will understand the need to seduce and then ignore the people we, and only we who understand true love, can truly love.
On their suggestion I have hired Vince McMahon of WWE and Tonya Harding to run the rest of my campaign. They are very popular and trusted people, as George and Karl have assured me and the fact they have so much media exposure means they obviously know what they are doing. Sorry, my dear Dennehey, but you have never won a gold bet let alone competed in the Olympics. I need to be an Olympian. They know what that looks like, did you ever?
I know this will hurt you, especially the day of my inaguaral parade. Just don't look my dear Dennehy. We had wonderful times, but with someone like you and a man like me, it just wasn't meant to be. Just please take comfort in knowing that on that glorious day at least one of us will go to bed that night knowing this was the right decision.
-
It's your fault
[Read the article: Katrina and the Guard, revisited]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]If you, gov, had only known that God's rightous wrath might have laid low the sinners in your midst, maybe you should have requested your National Guard and equipment didn't go to Iraq. I'm sure during our surging had you only asked us and said pretty please we would have gladly misled Congress to let your people and tractors and other equipment stay. We do that all the time. Just ask Lousiana and Mississippi. You didn't and you have no one to blame but yourself.
Oh don't even try to point out that we would have ignored you for the sake of security. Our national interests are at stake, guv, if your Guard and equipment weren't getting blown up over their you would be getting blown up over here! Imagine, your guard attacked by militant Islamofascist tornados! I bet you can't, guv. That's why we have a decider, a commander guy, and you are just a public servant of no longer existent towns.
Next time you even think of complaining about our great works in defense of your now homeless people I hope you seriously consider how useful your government town car would be as it drives me from market to market pointing out how free these Iraqi people are. They are free, guv, because their homes and markets weren't devestated by God the way yours were. I suggest you remember that the next time you complain.
Love and rightious kisses,
Tony Snow