The following is a confidential action memo issued by the office of the vice president:

(uh, it was leaked to me by, uh, nevermind. Don't tell anyone you got it here and you don't know me. In fact I'm not even here. I'm in Iraq. Thats it! I'm in Iraq fighting for freedom fries. Hail fried freedom!)

Date: Marshal law minus four days

To: Freedom loving members of my staff and Republicans we trust, and Joe Leiberman (wet air kiss out to ya Joementos, baby!)

Subject: Solution to sinister gay agenda

Gentlemen,

First it was Mark Foley, despite months of effort hiding his "naughty e-mails" under the rug, some ungrateful child sex toy, er, page let the pedo-cat out of the bag. First we all breathed a collective sigh of relief, got our ministers on the speed dial and prayed there but for the grace of God go I.

Yes, a bit of the "Cocktober Surprise" and not the one we were expecting. War games off Iran have not gone as provocative as we expected and the UN pussies continue to refuse to let us send in UNICEF personnel tucked inside well cusioned cruise missiles with "UN were her for (f)UN" painted on the side. Josh Bolton is working on those superflous ten stories, but its not like flying a plane into a building, if you get my drift.

But that's not why I wrote. Since shipping the good Florida Congressman off to rehab we seem to be inundated with a rash of himbo explosions. Dennis Hastert and his "roomate", Reynolds and his, well Dennygate, and, just when we tossed out a couple of scandals of congressmen choking their FEMALE mistresses, just to show the public how straight we were, we now have the right reverend Haggard, the man closest to our great and fearless leader and the only person who has been able to keep him sober, suddenly accused of pounding crystal meth up his nose, while pounding something entirely else up his rectum.

Gentlemen, these sudden revelations are no mere coincidence. Clearely they are the result of homosexual political suicide bombers.

Hidden cadres of homosexuals are sidling up to our Republican and moral leadership, luring them with offers of booze, drugs, hot man on boy IM messages, and more booze. Then KABOOM! Homosexual politica suicide. Credibility shredded, bloody pieces of reputation splayed everywhere.

This will not stand. As you have come to expect from this administration, our response will be swift and merciless.

All single males between the age of fourteen and twenty-eight - height weight proportionate, with a demonstrably lean toward buff - will be rounded up and held incommunicado, and without those limp wristed rights of such gay documents as the Constitution and the Magna Carta.

Their homes will be searched, doors kicked in, screaming pekingnese bayoneted and signs of homo-political suicidal activity exposed. Barbara Streisand box sets, Project Runway on the TIVO, and DVDs of the Wizard of Oz, Silver anniversay edition, platinum collection, director's cut.

Also, evidence of Calphalon cookware, cold forged cutlery and Asian-fusion cookbooks will be considered evidence beyond a reasonable doubt by any tribunal we might deign to create prior to the executions.

Even now, detention centers are being created on Fire Island (to save transportation costs). Certain convicted dog handlers have already been pulled from their battalians in Kuwait for their new assignment. Freedom loving torture programs involving the wearing of women's lingerie and forming naked male pyramids have already been implemented, and, based on preliminary results, new torture devices will clearly have to be developed.

Operation Enduring Hard On will must end with the gays. The media is clearing a willing participant in the threat to American values as defined by the GOP. How is it that immediately after every himbo explosion there is a camera and a reporter on scene even before our rehab wagons? Coincidence? I think not. The only conclusion is that they are aiding and abetting the homo-terrorists. To confront this affront to our freedom not to know, new detention centers are being created at the abandoned building formerly known as the newsmuseum; and soon to be called the Newmausaleum. Heheheh! A little Dick humor.

That's right free press. You're next!

Sincerely yours,

The Dick

My parents are part of the volunteers counting early votes in Ohio under the latest court smackdown to Blackwell. They say they too are having optic scanning problems because the scanners cannot read ballots that have been folded. Problem is, all the ballots, hard card stock, have been folded. Yeesh.

I woke up drunk and bought more liquor. I'm still drunk! Let the impeachment proceedings begin!!!!

Ok. I'm now sober enough to post again.

WOOOOHOOOOO!!!!

How true, Van. Republicans don't threaten to emigrate, they just go home and choke their mistresses.

Notice how he said "first" war of the 21st century?

Gotta wonder what the second, third, etc. wars Busch and Co. have on drawing boards.