Letters to the Editor
David L.
Published Letters: 197 Editor's Choice: 9
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What's with all this moral relativism?
[Read the article: Our new friend is a racist -- should we dump him?]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I saw only 1 or 2 responses below that even pointed out what to me was a glaring, obvious problem with this discussion: all white people, living in white-washed parts of the U.S., talking about blacks and their problems.
For the record, I'm white as well...but my spouse is not, and after being married to her for all of these many years now, I have seen racism and bigotry perpetrated on a regular basis...against her, against us, even against me specifically. And for Cary or anyone on this forum to think that we should take the high road or turn the other cheek is just a-fucking-typical, white-bread doublespeak. We are all God's children on this Earth, and for others to think that we can just forgive other folks for being racists or bigots WHEN those folks aren't asking for forgiveness is freakin' ludicrous...and unfair.
Yeah, well, it's real easy for white-folk to just brush this kind of stuff off, but to actually be on the receiving end is an entirely different matter...and until you experience it, you can't really understand it well enough. This guy is apparently unrepentant about his thoughts...so unless he suddenly decides to take a sabbatical and experience rascism first-hand by spending a few months in the barrio or in Compton, he's not going to ever understand his own bigotry...and he won't change, especially at the ripe old age of 65.
LW, stick to your guns and tell this asshole he's not welcome in your house. Do whatever makes YOU feel most comfortable and just...let your husband have to make the effort to have this guy as a friend, because it appears not to be as big of an issue with him as it is with you...and you need to let him know that, so that he can make this same decision for himself.
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2 Big Problems Here...
[Read the article: Our house is so messy my husband's threatening to leave]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Another view on "compulsive hoarding"..
"I'm a pack rat as well as a seriously not-neat person.
I can't tell you how many times I have dug through my stuff at three am to find something that I couldn't have bought at the store even if they were open
Apparently I'm in the minority on Salon, I can't *afford* to keep buying the same stuff over and over again.
-- Aycharaych
There's a big difference with storing useful materials, and in an orderly manner...as opposed to just keeping EVERYTHING under the sun. I could understand keeping all of your electronic components in the garage or workshop...but Aycharaych, do you serious keep EVERYTHING and throw away nothing? Do you keep clothes you don't wear or cant' fit into any more, on the off chance that someday, maybe you can use those clothes again? How about canned or frozen foods? Saving lint from the dryer for kindling on that next camping trip as well? Some things kinda need to be thrown away...and some things could just as easily be given to Goodwill, or to some garage sale, that way someone else will at least get something out of value out of your leftovers...not everything needs to go to the dumpster.
And believe me, being a ham radio operator, I understand this waste-not-want-not desire completely...but you have to draw the line somewhere, before your house is condemned.
Anyway, back to the LW's problem...The REAL issue I want to know more about is this separate sleeping arrangement crap...why is your husband sleeping in another room? Because there may be a physical disconnect in your relationship that's manifesting itself in his ultimatum on cleaning...especially if this arrangement has been imposed upon him by you (though if it's a choice he willing suggested and made, then you REALLY have a problem with your man and need to consider counseling or a divorce...because him choosing to do that doesn't bode well for the marriage, unless he's a chronic snorer or something).
2ndly, you need clean up the house, and take time off of work if you have to (both of you). Your children are basically learning to accept your hoarding behavior as something normal, and it's NOT. And then they will continue this pattern, collecting more junk on their own, and ruining other people's lives in a never-ending cycle of shit. Have you asked them if they like living in that mess you and your husband created?
No, you need a family vacation to clean the house empty...then reward yourself with a little "family" time away from the house after it's done, so that when you come back home, it'll be as if you are starting a new life...one that's clutter-free.
BTW, don't call a cleaning service...contact a professional organizer and see what they say, because deep down, most people are really not hoarders...but they become hoarders because of some major change in their life, something that needs to be confronted and dealt with. A good, professional organizer with a lot of experience (and maybe a Psych. degree) will recognize this, and they will help you fix BOTH your messiness and identify the psychological reasons why you got to that point in the first place. THEN, if they see something bigger, they can recommend counseling....I know, that's not how most psychologists want to explain it, but I'm giving you a better (and maybe cheaper) alternative to going to years of therapy to treat something that might not be as serious as you may think at this point.
Anyway, just a suggestion...