Letters to the Editor
MomoCat
Published Letters: 34 Editor's Choice: 14
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Exposing assumptions
[Read the article: I found a woman in my husband's drawers]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, here's the thing: We already know in our hearts the answers to questions like "should I leave my husband because I found upsetting but fundamentally innocuous e-mail to an ex-girlfriend that he didn't bother to hide?".
The writers here who argue for an adult approach to a marriage commitment doesn't always include ultimatums and formal counseling as the first tools of choice have learned to trust their feelings and instincts in their relationships. You probably know whether your husband is really lying about an ongoing relationship with this ex-girlfriend, or whether the issue is your annoyance that he's not conforming to your idea of how you would like things to be.
The only troublesome part I saw in the letter was the LW's comment that her husband "admitted that some part of him wanted me to see it (the CD wedding gift) as a statement that he could do whatever he wanted, or at least do things that felt right to him even if I disagreed".
Why does he need to make that statement? What are his fundamental assumptions, explicit or not, about the nature of marriage? And how is he projecting the notion of the wife as a limiting agent on his freedom onto his current wife? Is she, by snooping and angst-ing, feeding just those very fearful assumptions he has in the first place? What are LW's assumptions about how much a life partner should conform to her ideas of proper relationships?
Sometimes our assumptions about marriage are so deep that we don't even know they exist until they are brought, wriggling and pale from lack of exposure, into the clear light of day. And often, they tend to wither once exposed to light because they turn out to be rootless and implausible. My husband threw an uncharacteristic fit when, prior to our marriage, I mentioned that I wanted to keep my family name and not change it to his. We could have engaged in ultimatums, power struggles, etc. - luckily, we didn't. I asked why it was so important to him, he thought it over for a couple of weeks, and came back saying he had just always thought that's what people did - and that there weren't any other good reasons. End of story (or rather, beginning of marriage, now at 20 years and counting).
LW has a husband who feels hemmed in by the very notion of marriage. His relationship to his ex-girlfriend may or may not be his rather inept way of maintaining a sense of independence. Unless the LW really suspects that the husband is still in love with his ex (and at no point does she indicate that this is the case) the ex-girlfriend is not the issue. The ex-girlfriend is someone playing her own game with herself, with LW and the hubby as the game pieces. This isn't about her, she is just an agent of annoyance. If she wasn't there to play this role in the relationship, it might be someone or something else. Making the ex-girlfriend the issue will mean that all the real assumptions and issues can stay hidden under their dark rocks, silently wriggling.
Forget the ex. Stop snooping and stamping the angry foot and feeling hurt. Lift the rock.
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Say it, mean it, do it
[Read the article: "Mom on strike"]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]I agree with the writers that this may be a case of recent divorce or familial upheaval, but there is a clear lack of respect of the children here for the mother that probably is not new.
Writers who don't have children, or very young children who haven't started flexing their own muscles of individuality, don't know how emotionally exhausting it can be to bicker over every little thing when there are so many tasks at hand. Having said this, respect instilled early and profoundly in life goes a long way later on.
We give two warnings on disciplinary issues - an initial heads-up and a reminder, with a clear explanation of the consequences if things don't happen. Kids get to choose - the high road of compliance, or the low road of privileges removed. We always mean it, and we keep our word. No helping around the house? Fine. No tv for a week. And so on.
Do we get back-talked, sassed and ignored? Sure. But does it result in disaster and mom camping out on the lawn? Nope. Don't be afraid to be a grown-up parent before you end up bailing out on the whole thing by going on strike.
And one more note: Why is MOM the one camping outside?! The kids should be camping out, shower privileges, indoor dining and electricity privileges to be returned upon compliance.