Remember when the Reagan era Agriculture Department tried to reclassify ketchup as a vegetable for school lunches? Guess if we did that NOW, it would be a win-win situation for everyone.

As devoted listeners of Garrison Keillor's "Prairie Home Companion" radio show are aware, the Ketchup Advisory Board is always trying to educate people about the natural mellowing agents in ketchup that relieve stress and anxiety.

"Food insecurity" is obviously subjective, implying stress and anxiety, while "hunger" is way more objective, and less prone to argument or interpretation -- either you are, or you aren't, hungry. People can be "insecure" about many things, for rational or irrational reasons.

Let's crack out the ketchup, and relieve all this anxiety! Out with hunger AND food insecurity! Don't worry -- be happy!

How quickly we forget -- Ohio's own John Boehner beat fellow Republican Roy Blunt for the post of Majority Leader in February 2006. At the time, this was reported to be an upset win over Blunt, who had been Majority Whip and was then re-elected to that position.

Was THAT a sign of utter disarray? Of course, Blunt was a favorite of Tom DeLay, along with Speaker Denny Hastert; the smart money all seemed to be bet on Blunt, but the festering DeLay scandal evidently took its toll. Boehner presented himself as a reform candidate, and rather surprisingly came back from exile, after losing the Republican leadership position he'd occupied during the Gingrich era.

So maybe Democrats are now "in disarray", just like Republicans might have been last February -- or maybe this is just politics as usual, nothing more. Too much can be read into any event.

Sometimes a banana is just a banana, you know?

As a nation, we never slipped into completely irrational paranoia over Christianity, even after so-called Christian Indentity groups were directly tied to several major attacks and incidents -- and why is that?

Because we white-bread Americans (a group to which I technically belong) too easily fear "the other" -- and when that "other" LOOKS different from us, it's so much easier to stereotype, to fear and to HATE. Throw in the fact that Keith Ellison is black, and you have an irresistible mix for simple-minded people like Glenn Beck.

Has anyone in the media ever -- EVER -- asked other Christians to PROVE they aren't part of a group seeking to destroy the U.S. or its government, after Christian Identity groups were linked to the 1995 Oklahoma City federal building bombing? I seriously doubt it.

Being a Muslim no more makes you automatically part of radical Islamic plots against the U.S. than being a Christian makes you part of the crackpot Christian Identity movement.

Glenn Beck is a third-rate talking head who aspires to be the next Rush Limbaugh. How sad that CNN has stooped so low, giving precious time on a news channel to someone like him. If we want to hear such drivel, we can always tune in the real thing -- FauxNews, or Rush himself.

Incidentally, nobody should be fooled by the careful construction of Beck's question -- he took a page from the old Republican trick of prefacing an outrageous slur with "some people say" -- as though that protects the speaker from any responsibility for actually UTTERING the slur.

"Oh, don't look at me that way -- *I* don't agree with this, but SOME PEOPLE SAY IT." Yeah, right.

"Eye of newt, and toe of frog,

Wool of bat, and tongue of dog,

Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting,

Lizard's leg, and howlet's wing,--

For a charm of powerful trouble,

Like a hell-broth boil and bubble."

--From Macbeth (IV, i, 14-15)

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The three ugly witches of Shakespeare's "Macbeth" sure knew how to predict the future -- if this country ever fell under the spell of Newt Gingrich's eye (OK, folks -- break out your "eye of Mordor" analogies from "Lord of the Rings"), this country will be in for quite a boiling, bubbling hell-broth.

There's something really disturbing about someone who LONGS and EXPECTS to be inspirational, rather than to simply speak truth -- and allow that truth to be discovered by intelligent people across the country. Imagine the mental crack-up such a prophet-wannabe will suffer when the masses DON'T flock to his side!

Turn it to the left

Turn it to the right

Stand up, sit down,

Fight, Fight. Fight!

"Dear Pres. George H.W. Bush:

Mr. President, which is worse? Failing to speak out, thereby leaving the status quo and continuing our descent into failure? Or speaking out, in a good faith effort to get the United States back on the right track, even if it causes your son George W. Bush and his followers a little 'anxiety'? ANXIETY???

Take your time -- the answer to this question will help to define the eventual verdict on you in all the history books.

Sincerely,

the American public."

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My God, man, talk about misplaced loyalties! You have more loyalty to your incompetent son than to this great country and all of its citizens? My opinion of you, while still higher than for your son, has gone down several notches. Keep it up and you'll soon be down at his level -- and you'll DESERVE to be.