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Sunday, Nov 8, 2009
patrica
Published Letters: 6 Editor's Choice: 2
I met my first boyfriend (ever) just as I was leaving college. After four somewhat miserable years of school, I finally felt happy, relaxed, and excited about my future. Then, bam: he just sort of showed up in one of my classes (which were mostly female). We stayed together for 8 years. I suppose we did go on "dates," but back then, in college, a date consisted of a matinee, a trip to the grocery store, or making out in someone's room quietly (so as not to disturb the roommates).
I knew I had to throw myself back out there after we broke up, but I was fairly traumatized as he was my first love. I was also turning 30 that year, which didn't help. So I threw myself in by doing the online dating thing, which I too hated. It felt like shopping. But I did sort of meet someone, my first go at it.
We had one really great first date, but after that, it was clear that we were only going to be friends. He had just broken up with someone too, and wasn't really ready. To be fair, he was a bit out of my league. We stayed friends (sort of) and kept in touch via email from time to time. About a year or two after we met, he began emailing me out of the blue -- he had a friend he wanted me to meet.
I had exactly 2 dates with his friend, "Carl." And I knew this: he could have easily been The One. But I just wasn't ready at that time. I wasn't really happy with how my life was going, I hated my job, and I was also a bit overweight. We had a lot of similarities, Carl and I. And if I was ready, which I wasn't, I could see myself with him for the long haul. But things didn't work out that way. I found out about a year ago that Carl got engaged, so he's probably married by now.
But Carl made me realize this: that we have more than one "soul mate." I am starting to be convinced that soul mates enter our lives for different reasons, reflecting our needs and state of being at that time. So after I quit my boring job, and started following all the little tugs that I had long been trying to ignore, I ended up in the ghetto (literally). On a daily basis, I am literally surrounded by life, and actually feel alive for the first time in years. Not just children and people who have children (at young ages). Death too -- gangs and shootings and all. I am in this environment for about a month when I "bump into" someone, yet again.
We are almost a year together. It is a difficult relationship. But I can see that it is one that I need. This is where I am supposed to be. LW, consider that every little thing you do leads to something else. Sometimes I sit in amazement at the work I do daily (which is exhausting but worthwhile), and the relationship which I am still trying to fully understand (also exhausting but worthwhile). And I don't think I would have it any other way.
The person who said to live your life to the fullest -- this is really the bottom line. There is a good chance that while you are doing so, someone will just show up. Even if he doesn't, you're still living it up.
Good luck.
I believe that opposites attract, and that two introverts don't work well. As an introvert, I have found that I also have a tendency to attract extroverts, but ones who are not *overly* extroverted (as I do not consider myself *overly* introverted). All of my significant friendships have followed this pattern as well. I think it's true that we look for what we lack in other people.
On the other hand, there *must* be some common ground for any relationship to work. What I've observed in my own relationships and others is that the common ground aspects are usually things like morals/values, background, religion (sometimes), and interests. Having a different personality from your S.O., and even good friends, is often a plus.
Ironically, being around a extroverted S.O. made me more talkative and him more quiet, the longer we stayed together. I would not have come to life, so to speak, had I not met him. I hope the LW realizes that being around people who are *too much* like us is not necessarily good, because it's hard to change and grow as a person when we are literally surrounded by ourselves. I guess it depends on where she is in life.
I think Cary hit the nail on the head here. It's not about how the situation SHOULD occur. It's about how it IS. These two are living in 2 different cultures, and BOTH cultures need to be acknowledged. I agree strongly with CT about the parents possibly having greater influence on their son, than the girlfriend. While not common in my own family (I am Asian-American), many of my friends who are also Asian-American have parents who are traditionally minded and would possibly react as the LW's in-laws are, though not to that extent. This is particularly true in less Americanized Chinese cultures.
Nice to see that you're back, Cary!
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