This LW's communication style might be different depending on whether he is talking with his girlfriend, or writing to a third party.

in writing for advice to third party he states the bare facts. why muddy the waters talking about how much he once cared for, and still cares for, this woman whom he no longer wishes to date.

he might well be more sensitive when he relates to the GF.

the difference in our situations (yours and mine) seems to be that your mom is now reaching out to you, after being indifferent to you for many years.

my mom has only reached out to me once, when i was 23. she sent me a cold letter warning me that i would regret not keeping in touch with her. (i am 56 and have never regretted it.)

at the bottom of my feelings about her is a feeling of loss at never having a proper, emotionally supportive mother.

i am told that my grandmother (her mother) treated her in a cold, imperious way. so maybe that is why she is the way she is.

at least your mom cares enough to reach out. that's something.

to the many people who are writing to tell that LW that her feelings are typical of all 17 year olds: you are dead wrong. the "typical" 17 year old knows that she actually loves her mother, the way you would know you still love your husband even tho you are mad at him right now.

please stop invalidating the LW's intelligence and self-awareness.

i know because i am 56 and i broke off contact with my mother when i was 19 and have no desire to ever see the woman again. (i get occasional news from other family members.) for many years i considered trying to find the emotional armor necessary to pay her a visit, but eventually realized that the experience would be a trainwreck and a waste of time for us both. Yes, i do know these things, even though YOU may not understand.

no, i will not tell you all the bloody details and reasons why i feel this way. You will just have to take it on faith that i know my own feelings; i was right there in the thick of it when the mother-daughter emotional events took place, and i bloody well don't blame myself for my indifference.

One post suggested that the jealous wife "kill the evil woman with kindness." i have had this happen to me. Because i was single, and an acquaintance of Her Man, suddenly i had a near-stranger (the jealous wife) treating me to her phony friendliness. (you will have to take my word for it that my interest in Her Man was totally platonic, and i had assumed that his interest in me was likewise. plus he did not seem like a sleezy guy out to score.

I also want to say: LW, maybe the reason he "married you and not her (huff huff)" is because you did not require as much of him. Good god, lady, it sounds like he's a hunting trophy you have hanging on your wall.

The LW says the Weekend in Question occurred one week before he met her.

The Lw says the Weekend in Question occurred one week before he "declared his love" for her. what does a "declaration of love" really mean if it occurs before you get to know the person?

if he is kind to animals and smaller children, and his parents let him know that they admire these qualities in him, he has a good chance of growing into a responsible human unlikely to enjoy gang raping. do you yourself actually believe that being kind is of greater value than "fitting in?"

Gang rape is a pathetic bumbling attempt by weak individuals to assert power. It also involves the objectification of people. Are these traits you observe in your son? Is he mean when he can get away with it?

When observers say your sons are "all boy," are they just referring to an abundance of physicality, energy, boisterousness, or are the "boys" running roughshod over the rights and/or feelings of other individuals either adult or child? Does the child lie or manipulate his parents, or does he pretty much stick to honesty? Does "being cute" give him a license to misbehave?

When you study your child, you can be fairly sure that the basic personality will still be there when he is an adult.

Just wanted to say this letter and the reply I enjoyed more than any in a long time. Maybe it's because i have had some of these "children in adult suits" in my life.

dear be like barnkitty,

GREAT nom de plume.

Having My Baby

Going To The Chapel Of Love

Stairway to Heaven (Led Zeppelin)

Single Women (I think this one was by Led Zeppelin too?)

Fire ("I'll teach you to burn...")

my neighbor's cat disappeared one night while outdoors. my neighbor was so upset he immediately replaced it with two cats. (kind of like a "spare" cat if he should lose one again.)

dear LW:

your children will be deeply affected by observing your actions. Please imagine the difference between if they should observe you acting benevolently, vs. if they witness you indifferently killing animals.

PS: a trip to the "shelter" is usually a death sentence for a wild or mature cat. The panic of being caged, exposure to kennel diseases, then murdered while terrified. Imagine what that might feel like: animals have very well developed limbic systems, so they absolutely do feel emotions.