I need to know you're doing ok - can you write us a little update?

I am firmly supportive of the openness of this forum. I'm always fascinated by the variations of responses to Cary's column, and love poring through the half-life his advice engenders. When I post myself, I sincerely hope that I may be of service to the letter writer, and enjoy the opportunity to fine-tune my own reflection while I'm at it. I don't blame us for seeing ourselves reflected in our responses. I only hope that our lives are enhanced by what we see.

This, I think, is one of the reasons people remain anonymous: it gives vent to selves we may not be able to carry into public in any other place but here. And in this forum, no matter how anti-social, this anonymous self is listened to. It is considered on the same plane as a Salon.com writer.

This is a place where regular, unknown folks are given a chance to add to the platform of a columnist imbued with all the authority of an old-world journalist. We aren't used to that kind of power, and we're still learning how to use it. It is a place where the anonymous intermingles with the name, the individual wiht the brand, the private is entangled with the public. It's a messy place, and I think it needs all the room in the world to develop naturally, with as little structure as possible.

I believe the internet as a medium will benefit from the unrestricted growth of this kind of intermingled space. I think our entire culture is in a state of rapid learning about the new tools we've developed, and we're fumbling through the hysteria and panic that accompanies any unintended change. That's the root of many of the violent responses here: it's like how the first time a child picks up a stick, she's likely to hit someone with it.

I don't believe compassion can be taught through authoritarian methods. I think it has to be learned through a slow process of cause and effect.

Also, I think the chance for people to vent anonymously offers a necessary outlet to those who find they cannot speak publicly without some measure of pain. The previous consquences of face-to-face interaction have changed; one can now openly oppose a stranger without censure, and for many of us, I think this is a thing long sought for, a deeply desireable outlet in a culture that is losing its voice amidst the bombardment of mediation that infests our daily lives.

We are searching for ways to connect through this tool. Hurting people, as primitive as it seems, is one way to connect. We are trying to establish heirarchies and power structures in a place that has lifted them and allowed us to see ourselves laid bare, without the numbing strictures of society as we know it.

There's no way to guarantee that we'll like what we see.

which is the bigger risk:

he may go to jail now for what he's done so far...

he may go to jail later if he kills or severely injures you?

Dear LW,

if you love him, you'll put him away. You'll get as far away from him as possible and stay that way. You'll save yourself if you love him.

It may sound perverse to do this because you love him, but you know it's what you must do, and you've already put up with so much perversity because you love him, so what's a little more? If sending him to jail to protect yourself doesn't seem right, then send him to jail because you love him.

It's like you have two motivations: taking care of yourself, and taking care of him, and this relationship has made you a warzone, where you can't decide which one of you is more important. It's gotten to the point where loving him has become your primary motivation, above and beyond protecting yourself. Your very life is on the line and still you're thinking mostly of what will become of him. You have lost the will to care properly for yourself. You can get it back, I know from experience. But only if you get away from this relationship forever.

So I hope this makes sense: this situation demands that you save yourself, and you can do it because you love him.

Got it? If he gives you permanent brain damage and the state sends him to jail for the rest of his life, that's not very good for him, is it?

It's time to make your safety your primary goal. Nothing else must come ahead of that one goal. You can unravel it all when you've had time to recover from the trauma. In time, with help, the kind of help we all need at certain times in our life.

I know, from Ghandi to a cheesy bumper sticker -

but really, if you actually care about the values you hold dear, you follow them no matter how much the other violates them - and therin feel their satisfaction. Morality, ethics, ettiquite and empathy are not a system that entitles us to being well-treated, they are a practice and a guide of how to treat others. Especially those who challange us.

If you focus solely on being treated well by others, you'll always feel cheated. And you'll feel completely comfortable fantasizing about using a weapon on them.