Letters to the Editor

• Unfortunately, none of this is true

  [Read the article: Are men spoiled rotten?]
  [Read more letters about this article: Here]

  The whole idea that the world is full of older men who are just dying to have babies is intriguing, but doesn't stand up to scrutiny. Certainly some men want this, but they are a small minority (as are women who want babies very late in life). Because "you know someone like this" doesn't have much to due with demographics or census statistics.

  The average number of children that BOTH MEN AND WOMEN have (in the US) is about two. If large numbers of men were remarrying late in life and producing second families, then MEN would statistically be having 3-4 children over a lifetime, but they are not. For most people, having a couple of kids pretty much cures them of the desire to have any more -- LOL, it's a LOT of work raising kids these days, and it is astronomically expensive, especially if you factor in college.

  Another "mythical belief" here is the idea that there are vastly more women than men, hence men get the best pickings and all the opportunities. This isn't true. For people under the age of 65, there are MORE men than women. Do men all marry younger partners, thus leaving large groups of women their age single? Sorry, not possible. For a long time, each cohort group in the population has gotten SMALLER. So a 45 year old man, seeking a 25ish woman, is fishing in an increasingly smaller pond. There are simply not enough 25ish women around for all the 45ish horndogs in the population.

  Anyways, census statistics should clearly show all these old guy/young girl pairings. They do not. Most people marry a partner roughly the same age, give or take a couple of years. Women are just as likely to marry a younger man as a man is likely to marry a younger woman. Sorry, but true! The only difference is the age gap, where a very small subset of men marry a partner who is 25 years or more younger. This subset is larger than the female equivalent. But how many marriages with such a huge age gap are really successful? How many are gold-digger type arrangements?

  Men do NOT have an unlimited time to father children. Sperm quality declines with age. Older fathers produce fewer babies with more genetic problems, and older fathers are linked to the startling increase in autistic children. Sperm banks do not take sperm from old geezers for this reason. DNA testing shows that a lot of babies in this world are not fathered by the men who think they are the fathers (a favorite troll topic), and I'll bet a lot of the old geezers who THINK they have impregnated their 20-something trophy brides are in fact cuckholds.

  So back to the LW: this has happened to her a whopping THREE times. That does not make for a sociological phenomena. There are probably some good reasons why she has never married, and why these guys have never married -- some people just do not want to be married. Or have kids. Ever.

  I think these fellows have done an "it's not you, it's me" routine on her, only in their case they have cleverly (and cruelly) decided that it was HER HER HER, and not them. They have found that claiming to want babies will slap her down and let them off the hook. But I will bet that none of the three goes on to have any babies with anyone else, 20-something or not.

  LW, you have greatly worsened your prospects if you live in one of the major population centers on the East or West coasts (NYC, LA, San Francisco, etc.). Though there are more men than women in the whole population, this is not true of those cities because they attract larger numbers of women due to the jobs centered there. (Also much larger gay populations.) You would find things to be significantly different if you were to relocate to a mid-sized city in the Midwest/South, where there are always more guys than girls, and a less mercenary approach all around.

  You also need to do some serious self-examination -- do you wish to remain childless by choice, or would you like a child (adoption or egg donation)? Whatever your choice, you should certainly discuss it before a relationship gets to this stage. And you need to take a hard look at WHO you are dating -- are these "nice guys", or "players"? Some women can't admit they are only drawn to powerful, Type-A, controlling men, or only wealthy successful men. This is the personality type MOST likely to want a younger, trophy wife! Are you avoiding guys who are laid back, gentle and "nice" because they don't earn a lot of money, or you think they are "losers"? Are you avoiding guys who already have kids or teens? Are you avoiding divorced men, because you don't want a guy with "baggage" (and forgetting that people who never marry have a load of their own baggage!)?

  One thing is certain -- you will never meet, at 47, ANY man who is baggage-free, prior-relationship-free & innocent of spirit just like a 20-something. With age, you have to expect that partners will have hearts that have been broken, disappointments, sorrow and loss. They will have checkered pasts, old relationships, bitterness. You can't go back to high school. But you can move on to something infinitely better if you are mature and wise and realistic.

  So don't give up. Try to date nicer guys, and don't focus on money or success. Look for men who have had successful relationships before. Avoid "players". A woman who does not want children would do well to look for men who have already had their families and are done with that part of their lives.

  I wish you good luck!

  Permalink Wednesday, August 1, 2007 07:35 AM