Letters to the Editor
Afro Goddess
Published Letters: 156 Editor's Choice: 21
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Great idea!
[Read the article: Salon's new letters registration policy]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Thanks for welcoming me into the fold. Next step, Premium Salon! :D
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Plan quietly, then move quickly...
[Read the article: I'm a small-town girl dreaming of the big-city lights]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]Only because I have a sharp sixth sense of paranoia and social situations, I suggest to the LW that she plan her moves quietly and then move quickly.
Do not confer with many others or those with the best of intentions might sabotage you. Also, you fiancé will try to stop you by making promises that he really won't want to keep. Folks will dismiss your concerns as a case of cold feet, but how about your slowly chilling soul?
Worst case scenario is that your fiancé says he'll either change or kill himself. There are men out there like that. You might be the brightly burning light of his life, but you can't exist in a vacuum.
Maybe he isn't like that, and so you have nothing to worry about. But many folks on here will make it seem as if all you have to think about is how to move and the fear of change. Honestly speaking, how about the other part where you have to deal with those you leave behind?
Forget the disapproval of his family and maybe yours. Its going to hurt, but so is being unhappy in your 40s, possibly raising a child(ren) that your husband is ambivalent about while others see but ignore.
You also have to think about your people, like at least one parent who has dreams for you that are smaller than your own, best friends who mistakenly see your defection as a diss on their lifestyles, and a fiancé who will resent you (understatement) for reaching for your dreams instead of settling for his comfortable reality.
So I suggest that you plan quietly, and then move quickly. If you aren't going to marry your fiancé, move to the 70K pop. city, then off to a bigger city from there within 2 months of making a decision. It makes it easier on everyone because instead of threatening to do a thing that changes people's lives and expectations, you getting it done and over with forces them to cope.
Good luck. Now go tear that band aid off! :D
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You'll get fired....
[Read the article: I still have a job, but I've completely stopped working!]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]At some point some ever earnest and industrious manager will realize that LW is a waste of space, resources and money and he/she will be fired.
If LW can't describe his/her job now, think how hard it will be to do when he/she tries to explain it to the next potential employer. In addition, the references will be crap.
Good luck on being lazy. ADD my booty. More like ASS.
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You and Your Porn...
[Read the article: Porn in theory, porn in practice]
[Read more letters about this article: Here]LW, American media makes it seems as if porn is the hottest, coolest, hippest politically incorrect, sexually correct thing that you can claim to accept or watch. That's the theory, at least. But in practice, porn can be boring, overly male centered, and distracting.
As a woman who watches porn, I've had to reconcile the realities of my sexuality against that of an industry that either ignores me as an audience member or gingerly hands me romanticized pap as a 3rd place prize (after hetro men, then gay men).
I have two main points for you regarding your relationship with porn:
1. You got bitch slapped by porn [used by your ex-boyfriend] and you're secretly sitting in your bedroom, looking into the mirror, practicing comeback lines you'll never use. As much as you outwardly want to be cool about it, porn is a hot button issue for you, and even if your current mister said that he happened to watch it in passing, from the corner of his eye, you'd have to deal with your competition with porn.
LW, you are real, porn is not. In a fair fight, you'll always win, hands down. But with your ex-BF you weren't in a fair fight. It was you, him, and his inability to sexually control you. Porn was just his weapon of choice. He could have called you a prude and made you feel sexually backwards (maybe he did that too). Either way, good ridance to that piece.
Solution: Get some porn, watch it, and masturbate. In an hour (if you can stand to watch it for that long), you'll realize porn ain't nothing but a thang. Unless your man is socially disfunctional, porn will be a poor second choice.
2. Women in our society frequently channel their own sexuality through their romantic relationships and partners, primarily b/c we're still struggling to own our sexual selves. Unfortuantely we then expect our men to do the same, which is both limiting and unfair. So when our significant others show us that they are independent sexual beings, it can seem offensive, betraying, and the death of the fairy tale. Unless you are hella lucky, your man can not fulfill every sexual need you have (maybe b/c he isn't fine, or limber enough) and you might as well realize you're only human and won't be able to scratch his every sexual itch (maybe b/c you're not limber or nasty enough).
Solution: Get some porn, watch it, and masturbate. In a few minutes the last thing you'll be thinking about is if your man enjoys porn, or enjoys watching you enjoy porn.
Good luck!